Harry Potter and the Shield of Truth: Make Hogwarts Great Again!
by Nathan Of Truth
Summary: After a lonely summer on Privet Drive, Harry returns to a Hogwarts full of ill-fortune. A re-imagining of Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix. Book 6 AU if you will.
1. Chapter 1

_**NathanOfTruth Presents: HARRY POTTER AND THE SHIELD OF FACTS**_

 _ **A/N:** _ This isn't your typical HARRY POTTER story. If you're a fan of hiding and crying by yourself, turn away, but if you want to be enlightened, read on. I'm always willing to talk it out in the comments.

This novella is a reimagining of HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHONEIX, written by JK Rowling in 2003, published by Scholastic. This was my favorite of the HARRY POTTER series, though in truth I had many problems with it. In this piece, I believe you will find a much better version of the plotline, as it is filled to the brim (or cauldron?) with TRUTH and FACTS.

 **Chapter One: "Dudley Demented"**

It was a new year in England, and the sun shone above the world, casting a hue of brilliant light that made the world cold. Harry wandered through the street near his home and abode at the Dursley's cursing his lot in his life, wishing he could be away from their foolish lives.

In his hands he held an issue of the Daily Prophet, a wizarding magazine that made his blood boil for the lack of truthful information in it.

"Typical liberal media.. definitely FAKE NEWS!" Harry thinks, as he picked up his wand. He burned the magazine.

Up ahead he saw Dudley, a bloated whale that was probably on Twitter crying about how no one loved him to his friends. Harry has an idea.

Harry had conceved a new spell in his solitude at the abode of the Dursley's home, something he did in his spare time between spreading truth to others. His methods were too slow to reach the multitude of unfortunate simpletons who couldn't see the light, so he in his own personal time devises a scheme to create a new spell in his alone time, a spell that is a variant on the Expecto Patronus spell, a spell that shoots an essence of your soul out. This spell was similar as Harry thought to himself, thinking how smart it was to create a spell that shoots the very mind out at an opponent, and Dudley was the perfect opponent to use the spell on and practices it on them. Harry pointed his wand at Dudley and screams.

"EXPECTO TRUTHONUS!"

A beam of white hot facts blasted out of Harry's wand, much like a blast from his member when he was really feeling it. Dudley was hit right between his eyeballs, which were inside of his skull. His brain was hit immediately, but he couldn't take the truth, and he passed out due to his feeble mind, which was most certainly in a place that was for being a fool like in the lamestream media.

Harry chuckled to himself, his shoes on the gravel crunching with each great step. Dudley was knocked out. Knocked out cold.

But he knew that wouldn't be the end of his adventures on this day. Magic was forbidden outside of Hogwarts, and to him it might has well have been the opposite be true, as the evil and sinister and villainous Lord Voldemort was hot on his trail, looking to find him and kill him like he did to Harry's friend Cedric Diggory.

 _ **A/N:**_ If the reception to this story is satisfactory, I may tackle the other HARRY POTTER stories, and my next one would definitely be HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE, which was another entry in the series written by JK Rowling. This one, HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX, is more pressing and pertinent to me currently.

Cedric died like a fool due to the killing curse, and Harry knew that. But he got away with using magic then. This time, however, Harry knows is different. The Ministry of Magic, fools and pawns for the liberal media, had cucked themselves into using Voldemort's Dementors to ensure there acts would be accomplished. Therefore, Harry wasn't at all surprised when a Dementor showed there face.

Harry quickly dispatched of the Dementor with an Expecto Patronus, but knew this wasn't over. Harry saw a figure behind him. He couldn't make out what or who it was but he could see for sure it was another hooded figure. A dark figure.

Harry ran. Far. And fast. But it wasn't enough, he could still see the black figure.

"Hey! You!" Harry yelled and charged back at the dark hooded figure. The shadow hooded black figure started to run away. Harry saw in the light that the figuhre was still dark but the hood it was wearing was grey.

Harry was really scared now. This figure definitely had intent to harm Harry. It was scary because Harry didn't know what this grey dark figure was. It must've been a new type of Dementor but with a grey hood rather than a black hood. It was still sort of black though.

Harry chased the figure into his neighbor's front yard and the dark figure with a grey hood tackled Harry and tried to punch him. Harry was too in shape and athletic though and tossed the grey hooded dark figure off. The light went on in his neighbor's house as the commotion continued. The Dursleys' neighbor George stepped out.

 _ **A/N:**_ This isn't Ron's brother George. One of the biggest mistakes in the Harry Potter franchise is that there aren't duplicate names, there isn't just one of everyone in real life, and real life is what I'm writing about.

"What's all this commotion about now?" George said angrily.

"George help! I'm being attacked by this dark figure with a grey hood that I was following. I think it's a dementor! This guy looks like he's up to no good. Or he's on drugs or something and he's just walking around looking about. He has saggy pants, he looks like a thug in saggy pants and a grey hoodie" Harry cried.

"Shit." George said. He pulled out his Kel-TEC PF-9 pistol and fired some rounds into the black figure.

"Oh ow!" the black figure said as bullets penetrated his shirt and exited his back shirt and his grey hoodie. Some strange colorful objects spilled out of the black figure's pocket. They looked like Skittles. George fired a dozen more shots into the black figure as he hit the ground just to make sure he was dead. It was deinitely a dementor, a black dementor with a grey hoodie. Harry had never seen one before, it was definitely a new type of dementor.

"You ok Harry?" George said as the police showed up and placed handcuffs on the dead black dementor after shooting him a few more times.

"Yeah, thanks man. I just don't know George. It seems like the whole fucking world is trying to kill me after last year at school." Harry said as he sat down on the curb and lit up a cigarette.

"I know Harry. Life sucks man... when black shadows are chasing you like that, you just got to _stand your ground_. Ya know, just fight back when you feel threatened." George said, sitting next to Harry. Harry smiled.

"You're right George." Harry said. "It never hurts to pack heat either am I right?"

"Haha no shit man. Take it easy Harry I gotta go back and watch my shows." George said. He got up and stepped over the black dementor, kicking some dirt on his body like the symbolic dirt mat he was, especially while he was still alive.

Harry went home and the Dudley's were there.

Harry brought his mail upstairs and checked it. Besides his reminders to renew subscriptions to the National Review expiring, there was no mail of note. Harry crumpled the precarious piece of parchments up in his muscular hands and went downstairs as it was supper time and Harry was forced to endure another one of Aunt Petunia's mediocre at best meals.

"Women are biologically proven to be inferior than men at basically all things except providing for their man and family and reproducing. This only proves just how utterly worthless Aunt Petunia is if she cannot sufficiently provide not even a decent meal for us. I suppose she isn't good at reproducing either if Dudley was the best thing to fall out of her." Harry thought angrily.

"Wow, mashed potatos and green beans again huh Aunt Petunia." Harry said as he angrily sat down. "You know women are biologically proven to be inferior to men in basically all things like intellect, body strength, historical achievement, what have you but there God given place is in the kitchen preparing meals and you have failed to do that, you might as well kill yourself. You have let me down and your entire family. Kill yourself right now."

"Harry that's not very nice." Uncle Vernon said as he fanangled the pages of the newspaper he was reading. Even he didn't care about the sub par meal he was being fed. He got some of the potatoes splattered on his green T Shirt which had the words "PROUD GREEN PARTY SUPPORTER" on the front. Vernon is a registered member of the Green Party but he had no conscience or balls and voted with Democrats 100% of the time because Harry knew that Vernon knew that 3rd party candidates won't change anything. There can only be two parties much like how there can only be good and evil, right and wrong, light and darkness, etc. Vernon did not understand the duality of life.

Harry got up and opened a bag of Doritos. While it wasn't the healthiest choice it was certainly more sufficient of a meal than the utter drek Petunia had cooked up for Harry. It certainly had a better taste that would never let Harry's tastebuds down, especially when chased with an ice cold Mountain Dew soda beverage which Harry was also sipping on. Harry had been making an effort to try and share as much of his truth and wisdom to his aunt and uncle at any opportunity he was allowed one. As usual after Harry penetrated her weak mind with seeds of wisdom and fact, Petunia just stared into the abyss silently. Her sallow eyes had become yellow, it was how she took in Harry's truths. She used to fight back once against logic and fact and reason as Vernon still did but Harry's turth's eventually won in the end. Maybe she did have a brain after all. Probably a smaller brain because she was a woman and their brains are biologically inferior to men's brains and run on emotion rather than reason but one brain, or a flawed female brain is better than none. While Vernon was dense like his son and any real truth and information Harry shared passed through Vernon's hollow skull, because he didn't have a brain, much like hundreds of thousands of illegal immigrants passing through inept, CLUELESS nations' borders every night. But Harry's words were only there to deliver truth and knowledge, immigrants only bring problems that the liberls call "diversity".

Silence followed besides the crunching of the orange Nacho Cheese Doritos in Harry's mouth.

"So let's see... what's been going on in the United States of America." Vernon said as he paged to the American events section of his newspaper.

"You mean what lies the corrupt liberal establishment media is shitting out of their anus mouth today!" Harry said as Dorito pepples rolled out of his mouth. What a waste of precious Dorito flavor just for Harry to tell Vernon something he SHOULD ALREADY KNOW! THE MEDIA IS CONTROLLED BY LEFT CORPORATIONS WITH ONLY THEIR OWN SPECIAL INTERESTS IN MIND! NOT FACTS! NOT TRUTH! JUST LEFT PROPAGANDA! IT'S ALL FAKE NEWS!"

"Looks like President Obama finally got his equal pay for men and women in the workforce bill passed." Vernon muttered.

"Equal pay? And they deserve that why? They deserve less if anything! They can't do the jobs that men do because they are weaker biologically. Weaker in strength and ESPECIALLY WEAK in mind. They can't conrol their emotions! No one that's emotionally unstable deserves to be making the same amount as someone who's IS emotionally stabled and isn't biologically wired to be that way!" Harry protested.

"Harry women deserve equal pay as men. How else are they going to get by without any money?" Vernon said, making a stupid counter argument.

"That's a stupid counter argument. Women don't need to work! They need to do the one thing they're actually good at AND biologically programmed to do. Make themselves look pretty and let a man shoot as many babies as he wants into their front hole then cook for those babies and men for the rest of their life. I could count on one hand the other things women do in society that's actually positive! And it's not a whole lot!" Harry angrily yelled.

"They deserve the same career opportunities as us men Harry." Vernon said like a coward.

"No they don't! They don't deserve real jobs and they certainly don't deserve a career! They have a set purpose in society and they need not leave the one area they belong in!" Harry said like a winner.

"President Obama seems to think so-" Vernon said slowly because Harry had to interject and interrupt him. Because Vernon was being stupid.

"President Obama? You mean Barack HUSSEIN Obama? The lying liberal puppet who cheated his way into office? The disgusting tyrant who lies about every truth in reality and isn't even a legally born citizen of the country he's leader of? He's no president. Barack HUSSEIN Obama is no fucking president of mine." Harry said galantly.

"There's no proof he was born elsewhere Harry." Vernon said with no facts to back him up.

"You have no facts to back that up! Barack HUSSEIN Obama was born in Africa. Barack HUSSEIN OBAMA's birth certificate was a forgery." Harry rebutted with lots of facts to back up his statement.

Vernon had nothing to say. He lost yet another debate to someone far more intellectual than he could ever hope to be.

"I guess it's fitting that he has the title of president there in the United States of America. They are a nation plagued by millions and millions of illegal immigrants who steal elections by illegally voting for him. They're all scum! The whole lot of them I tell you! A nation of immigrants no one wants and a president that is an illegal immigrant. No one wants him either! America is the greatest nation on the planet, I may not live there but I wish I did but people like BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA are ruining the country every day and eventually people will tire of his foul liberal bullshit and do something about him!" Harry said.

"But look at the benefit-" Vernon started.

"WROOONG!" Harry said slowly interupting Vernon but Vernon was stupid and kept talking.

"Families are happier..."

"WROOONG!" Harry had to silence this lie wild fire and be the water of truth being pored upon the dull flame of lies.

"And have more to do with greater income if the women are making as much as the men..."

"WROOONG!"

"And they... and they... and they..." Vernon said, stuttering. Harry had him beat.

"WRONG! WRONG AND WRONG! JESUS UNCLE VERNON YOUR SO DAMN STUPID YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE A WOMAN! YOU GREEN PARTY PUSSY! YOU HAVE NO BALLS!" Harry screamed and with that he stormed off back to his room. As much as he liked informing people of the truth Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia were just too stupid to understand any of it so why bother with them? He had better things to do, like sharpen the blades of his already razor sharp mind by reading some good books.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two "A Peck of Owls"**

 _ **A/N:**_ You can still turn back now if you can't handle the truth. This novella may be a bit jarring to read, but this is written by someone who has taken college writing classes, so the level of diciton is a lot above what I'm sure you normally read.

Harry Potter, master of his wand and bearer of the scar of Lord Voldemort, was determined to return to his beloved Hogwarts but first he had to get through a few more months, days, hours, minutes, and seconds, all of which he was able to count quickly using his brilliant mind, before he could go to his home. But for now he had to remain patient and pass the time and reading some nuggets of knowledge in the form of books would ease his troubled mind.

A letter came inside. Harry felt the texture of the paper, relishing the feeling of anything from his beloved Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

"Dear Harry Potter, You have used illegal magic and are expelled.

Sincerely - The Ministry of Magic"

 ** _A letter came inside. Harry felt the texture of the paper, relishing the feeling of anything from his beloved Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry._**

 ** _"Dear Harry Potter, You have used illegal magic and are expelled._**

 ** _Sincerely - The Ministry of Magic"_**

"NO! This cannot be!" Harry said. This couldn't be true. It just counldn't be. Harry refused to believe it. If he really was expelled they were expelling one of their brightest students. A student who's light shone brighther than a thousand suns. It wasn't fair by any stretch of the imagination. Harry refused to believe a word of the letter. If he was truly being expelled he expected at least a phone call from his trusted headmaster, friend, mentor and confidant Proffessor Albus Dumbledore. He also expected an exlplanation and an apology from the Ministry of Magic for this unjust termination of Harry's education. The only worse thing that could happen would be Harry being forced to endure another one of Aunt Petunia's mediocre at best meals. Tears of anger and rage started to well up in Harry's eyes. He grabbed a nearby tape dispenser and taped his fists. He started to pound the wall expelling a primal scream of fury with each punch. His wall started to look like the Middle Eastern desert after a bombing run. Holes everywhere except on the white wall instead the brown sand of the desert.

Harry looked at his bookshelf and hoped maybe reading one of his many books in his collection would calm his nerves and at least distract him. These books would be important to help him with his situation with the Ministry of Magic. He looked at Bookshelf Number 1 and perused some titles. Harry had 5 bookshelves in his room, Bookshelf Number 1, Bookshelf Number 2, Bookshelf Number 3, Bookshelf Number 4 and Bookshelf Appendix Miscellanea which contained some books but mostly magazines, news journals and other print that were not necessarily books such as _The National Review_ , _Forbes_ , _The Weekly Standard_ and other print media Harry saved that could be reread at later points or held sentimental value to Harry. t _Killing the Rising Sun; How America Vanquished World War II Japan_ by Bill O'Reilly looked particaulary appealing. Perhaps Harry could look at how America utterly vanquised Imperial Japan into submission and be inspired to vanquish the bureaucratic Ministry of Magic into submission for expelling him, in a way his own personal Pearl Harbor. As refreshing as that sounded Harry had to look through his bookshelf for other books to at least give them a chance. Though he had to admit O'Reilly's well written Killing series were superb reads. He had all of them and his other favorites at the top of his list were _Killing Lincoln_ and _Killing Kennedy_. He also had _The Tempting of America_ by Robert Bork, which was an absolute blasting of the liberal jurisprudence. As much as Harry loved blasting liberal ideology that book wouldn't help him much with his current situation. He also had _Exceptional: Why The World Needs a Powerful America_ by Dick and Liz Cheney. Another great read but it was a book Harry just couldn't put down. If he got wrapped up in the words he'd never leave his room for days. _The Long Game: A Memoir_ by Mitch McConnell also caught Harry's attention. McConnell was one of Harry's personal heroes so reading of his resilience when under fire from a corrupt establishment and staying true to his values maybe another inspiration to Harry. _Equal is Unfair: America's Misguidged Fight Against Income Equality by_ Don Watkins,Harry wished he could slam in Vernon's face so he could see just how wrong he was about that topic they just argued about but Harry questioned whether or not Vernon could even read beyond a first grade level sometimes so that was out of the question.  
Ultimately as much as Harry would like to get lost in a good book, he had to choose THE Good Book as in _The Bible_ to read. He had several copies on his bookshelves but he chose his old nearly withered picture _Bible_ from childhood that aged well but the illustrations and ebspecially text calmed Harry down. Harry instantly knew a verse that was relevant to his situation; _Proverbs 6:16- 19_.

"There are Six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him; haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breaths out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers."

"Amen." Harry said reading that verse. No doubt that whoever had cheated him out of school without a fair trial adhered to these eight things. He had to get unexpelled.

"Harry?" Vernon said outside of Harry's door. Harry opened the door. Petunia and Dudley were with him.

"I don't have time for your mediocrity." Harry said coldly and ruthlessly, a sign of a true hero.

"This letter says you've been expelled." Vernon appeared to get his own copy of Harry's expellation letter.

Gasps were heard, Harry heard them and he knew it. The jig was up. He had tried to keep the letter a secret, but unfortunately, the Dursleys were good at sneaking into information they shouldn't have, much like a certain blue party...

"You weren't supposed to see that!" Harry screamed. He punched more holes in his wall with his bomb like fists and went into a blind rage. He knocked down his bookshelves as his books that doubled as fountains of information and enlightenement toppled down like an avalanche of information and knowledge. His storming rage against the bookshelves was much like his sexual prowess, furious and didn't care what got in his way. He felt the same hot rage he felt when he plowed bitches. When he reached a similar furious climax, satisfied at the destruction he had caused, similar to the ejaculate that came out of him hot and angrily.

"Harry please, please don't destroy anything else, please stop hurting my things" Vernon pleaded.

Harry stormed out of his room like an angry elephant, punching more holes in the walls of the hallway. He ripped out curtains from their holsters and ran down stairs. Harry picked up the Dursley's precious flat screen TV and tossed it out the window as glass shattered. The Dursleys cowered in the corner. "Harry! Stop!" Petunia cried as Harry destroyed her sanctuary, the kitchen.

"YOU BITCH! SCREW THE WHOLE WORLD!" Harry said. He smashed some plates and ripped bowls and cups out of the cupboard. He ripped out famility portraits of the Dursleys and punched a whole through each of their faces. He grabbed a familiy photo album and started ripping up the photographs inside. Some Harry placed in his mouth and ripped them apart with his teeth. He found one of Vernon, Petunia and Dudley together and held it close to them. He pulled out his lighter and burned it in front of their faces causing Dudley to cry even more hysterically.

"Harry... please stop... what's wrong? We can help you. We can try to help you!" Vernon said in between tears that ran down his fat face.

"It's FINE!" Harry yelled, and just as he did, as if he cast a spell unwittingly, like a nocturnal emission, an owl flew through the window. It was a letter from the Weasley family.

 _"Dear Harry,_

 _Please don't worry. Dumbledore is actively fixing your problem._

 _Love,_

 _Your Second Family,_

 _-The Weasleys"_

"SEE?" Harry bellowed, while the Dursleys cowered.

Another owl flew in, and Dudley started to cry, the coward that he was.

This letter was from Sirius Black, Harry's godfather.

 _"Dear Harry Potter,_

 _Giving too much of the good stuff, eh, my boy? Just sit tight._

 _Sirius Black"_

Sirius' accented handwriting was difficult for normal people to read, but Harry, who studies handwriting in his free time, had no problems reading it at all. He smiled as he imagined Sirius showing up at the front door, murdering all of the Dursleys.

 _"Harry-_

 _You are my best and brightest pupil, and I want to protect you despite all the dangerous situations you will find yourself in. I'll make sure you don't get expelled! Then together we will work on fighting Lord Voldemort. I'm sending the Order of the Phoenix over to pick you up and protect you."_

 _-Dumbledore"_

Harry chuckled to himself. Excellent, he thinks, I'll get to leave this horrible abode early! He was very interested and excited to see the wizards that comprised the Order of the Phoenix, as he was certain the grizzled veterans of Dumbledore would be incredibly strong, masculine, and powerful. He could learn a thing or two from them. Or they could learn a thing or two from me, Harry thought to himself.


	3. Chapter 3

**Harry Potter and the Sword of Truth Chapter Three: The Advance Guard**

 _ **A/N:**_ Anyone who is mad about this story, which is a retelling and reimagining of HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX, should understand that I am expressing my free speech in writing it and you should consider that before you leave a hateful comment. There is no "agenda" to sell here, only truths of our reality through prose. Sorry if it triggered you! I have taken creative writing classes at a collegiate level so I know more about fiction, and this novella is proof of that. I am writing under the influence of the master of film for this chapter, Quentin Tarantino.

 ** _PART ONE: THE WEREWOLF STRIKE_ **

"Listen up, fuckwad. Do you know what situation you've gotten yourself into?" Lupin said.

"I definitely like Muggle food." Moody said, shoving another burger into his mouth. His Mad Eye stares all around the room.

"I-I I am not sure what you mean." Vernon Dursely said.

"Do you needs some fucking member berries? I am a wizard, which means I carry a wand. And you have shamed my by your overt impoliteness." Lupin said.

"Lupin, try one of these sandwiches." Moody said.

"There are a lot of people in this world unwilling to do the things that I am willing to do to you." Lupin said. "My wand is strong enough to blow your face all the way off, which is quite an impressive feat."

"I am sorry." Dursley said.

"Do you know why I am here?" Lupin says.

"I think you're here to pick up Harry."

"FUCKER!" Lupin roared, as Vernon weeps.

"I am here. For the PROTECTION and LEGACY of my friend JAMES POTTER. And the product of JAMES POTTER'S SEED is standing somewhere in this fucking abode and I want to know where!"

"Dudley, go fetch Harry." Vernon said.

"PIECE OF SHIT SIT DOWN." Lupin said to Dudley.

"I am one tenths of a second away from avada kedavraing everyone's asses in this place if you don't go fetch me James Potter's grown up boy." Lupin said.

"Hey Lupin." One of the other wizards said. Sturgis Podmore.

"What the fuck is it?"

"Why don't you go get him your own fucking self?" Podmore said.

The two met eye to eye and had wands in faces. The Dursleys were afraid.

 _ **PART TWO: THE ARRIVAL**_

To calm himself down, Harry took a long hot shower, making sure that he was entirely clean. Afterwards, he took a long piss in the toilet, holding his member and hoping he'd get to use it in a more fun way soon. He put on his clothes, now clean thanks to a spell he cast after removing them, and entered his bedroom. He climbs onto his bed.

He turned on his television and watched his DVR of all of the speeches of the great orators of his time. Ted Cruz, Mike Pence, Dr. Ben Carson. His heart rate increased with each speech, as the zingers and slogans really made him feel better about the world.

After that he pulled out his copy of A DANCE WITH DRAGONS, the fifth volume in George RR Martin's A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE. He especially liked the series for breaking down fan expectations about good guys winning and happy endings. Harry had known too much pain to believe in such nonsense, and Martin's prose was esquisite and the best in the industry.

After knocking out the 1000 page book in about an hour, Harry got up and walked around in his room, looking over all the spells he came up with to torture the Dursleys. He would take out his anger at the Ministry on them, even if he was and truly would be unexpelled. Even with the hearing upcoming events, he knew he had to be strong and importantly most of all protect himself.

The letter says wizards are coming, he thinks to himself, but Voldemort is a wizard so it could be him. Harry wrote out a quick 10,000 word plan on what strategies he could take if it was indeed Voldemort that had arrived at his home and place he lived.

There was a knock at the door.

"H-harry."

"What is it you OAF." Harry said.

Before Dursley could answer, Harry quickly said "I've taken shits with more substance than you." Which was clever and he knew it hurt Dursley greatly.

"Your friends are here."

Harry was exhillarated and thrilled! He packed up all his belongings, including the snow white owl HEDWIG, whom was his pet. Harry used a powerful spell that he wasn't supposed to know yet to push the case downstairs.

 _ **PART 3: LEAVING THE ABODE**_

Harry walked down to quite the scene. Lupin Mad Eye Moody, some girl,and other wizards were there.

"Harry I'm sorry to say we're one short. Old Sturgis here thought he could get in my way."

The bloody wizard on the ground was very dead. Harry was no stranger to death, having seen his parents demise, as well as Cedric Diggory die recently. Harry thought that death was simply part of life to him, and as such was not at all surprised to see the dead wizard on the ground. He was happy that whoever killed him was tough enough to not be afraid to make the hard choices.

"Well then. Shall we be off?" Lupin asked.

Harry smiles and follows the wizards out of the house, making sure he left the TV on Fox News before he left to let the Dursley's get some real knowledge while he was gone instead of the mindless tripe of CNN that the Dursleys usually indulged in.

As Harry strutted down the steps of the Dursley's porch Harry's neighbor George's front porch light turned on and George stepped out.

"Going somewhere Harry?" George said.

"Yeah man, going back to where I belong." Harry said.

"In that case, consider this a back to school special. "George said as he handed Harry a box. Harry opened the box. Inside was a Kel-Tec PF11. A new pistol! It was a sharp looking weapon, a height of 4.3 inches, a width of one inch. The overall length was 5.6 inches and the barrel length was 3.1 inches. It had a magazine capacity of 10 rounds (12 optional). Harry knew deep down he would probably have to use this fine weapon at Hogwarts this year.

"George... wow... you didn't have to!" Harry said.

"Now you can pack some heat of your own." George said with a smile. He handed Harry a box of bullets.

"I know you have a permit and a conceal/carry, otherwise I wouldn't be giving you a gun illegally so you'd illegally own a gun like some thug who isn't registered!" George said. Harry and George exchanged a firm handshake like gentlemen.

"I can't thank you enough George." Harry said.

"It's no problem Harry. Remember, stand your ground. No matter what happens, it's all God's plan." George said as he stepped back inside. He got on his broom with the Advance guard and flew off with his belongings behind him. He cracked open his special lighter with the Gasdan flag and the letters '1980' emblazoned on the side and started to light up a cigarette. He looked at the address Moody had given him earlier; Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, London.


	4. Chapter 4

**HARRY POTTER AND THE SHIELD OF TRUTH**

 **Chapter 4 "Number Twelve, Grimmwald Place"**

 _ **A/N:**_ This chapter sort of slows the pace down and is more of a light, heartfelt chapter.

Thanks to Google Maps, Harry arrived on the street of Grimwald Palace in a short amount of time, catching up with the Order of Phoenix who were waiting on the street of Knightsbridge SW7 and Grimwald Place.

"Where is it? Where is the 12 Grimwald Place?" Harry asked as he stepped off his broom.

"It's a secret Harry." Lupin said.

"Give me that." Moody said as he took Harry's phone and deleted the address from Harry's Galaxy Note 7.

"Hey!" Harry said.

"Sorry Harry, a precautin. We can't have Voldemort or the Death Eaters hacking your phone and finding this address by searching your search history in Google Maps." Lupin explained.

"Fair point, not like we're the Democratic National Committee getting everything of ours hacked!" Harry joked. Lupin and Moody laughed at Harry's joke because it was true. Harry expected Grimwald Place to be a musty old abode but as he glanced around he couldn't see any house or hideout at all.

"Where even is this place?" Harry said still looking around.

"Right here, look to house number ten; to the right, however, is number thirteen." Lupin explained.

"I'm afraid I don't understand." Harry said, puzzled. Then a shiny door appeared in between the houses in the affluent neighborhood between the numbers elevent and thirteen.

"Oh wow!" Harry said as he followed Lupin and Moody inside the door which he assumed was the entrance to 12 Grimwald place. Seeing as it was in the Knightsbridge community it turns out Grimwald was a luxurious hideout instead of a decrepit hiding spot Harry was expecting. Well lit on the inside due to candles hanging from golden holsters and extremely clean, nice pieces of expensive looking art pieces from the magic world hung from the walls. The furniture was exquisite too, all leather. In addition to the statues and paintings a fountain was also in the living room behind the Plume Blanche Diamond Encrusted Sofa. Harry wondered what sort of staff the owners employed to keep it this clean. He also wondered how much they paid in rent and if the mortgage was paid off. He then started to wonder if the house lost value during the global housing crisis of 2008. It didn't take long for Harry to seem some familiar faces, his best friend Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger.

Hermione was wearing flannel and a Tumblr T shirt, she was wearing ridiculous oversized glasses even though Harry knew damn well she didn't have vision problems and thus didn't own real prescription glasses.

Ron was wearing a Chudley Cannons football jersey much like an American football jersey but with Chudley Cannon colors of orange and maroon and logos on the sleeves. Ron's mother Mrs. Weasley was also there.

"Harry!", she exclaimed and hugged Harry tightly.

"We were wondering when you were going to show up!" Ron said with a big grin on his face.

"Is there anything you need? Do you want a meal?" Mrs. Weasley said excitedly. Now this was a woman who knew her place in life, she lived to serve her husband Mr. Weasley and cook and take care of their children.

"I'm fine but do you have any Doritos? In particular the Nacho Cheese variety?" Harry asked. Mrs. Weasley was an excellent cook unlike his Aunt Petunia and while he would gladly take one of her meals his favorite snack of Nacho Cheese Doritos would hit the spot at the moment.

"I knew you'd ask." Mrs. Weasley said with a smirk as she walked into the kitchen and closed the door. She came out with a food cart full of Doritos, dipping saucese and cheese, taco meat and three 2-liters of Mountain Dew on ice on the second row of the cart.

"Mrs. Weasley you're the best!" Harry shouted as he grabbed a plate and started piling on some of the delicious food.

"Let me know if you need anything else, I will be cooking dinner for the Order of Phoenix meeting soon here so I'll be in the kitchen." Mrs. Weasley said.

"And we'll be getting the meeting set up in the conference room Harry, we're not sure how long it will last but just sit back and relax. You've earned it." Lupin said with a smile as he patted Harry's back as he and Moody headed into the elevator to the conference room floor of Grimwald Place. As soon as they got up to the floor, The Order of the Phoenix went inside their confernece room to have their weekly meeting to discuss the state of the wizarding world, fiances and other topics.

"So what have you been up to this summer friends?" Harry asked, sipping on the 2 liter of Dew.

"My parents gave me money to travel to the United States for a protest." Hermione said before Ron could even open his mouth.

"Oh... wow... dare I ask what you're protesting this time Hermione?" Harry said as he face palmed. Hermione was ALWAYS protesting something stupid that did not need to be protested. Be it disrupting Pro Life rallies, which was wrong by the way, or partaking in an Occupy "Insert Liberal Trigger Zone" here protest, or whatever anti war demonstration was happening that week she was always wasting her time. Harry imagined she could not possibly comprehend the complexities behind the issues she was protesting against so she was merely attending the rallies to feel special or make friends, which she did not have much of outside of Ron and Harry. She was most likely attempting to attend these protests to seem "progressive" and "forward thinking" but she was more likely trying to meet boys who shared her same misguided, uneducated, lies disguised as truth in their feeble drug adled minds and score some pot. Sad!

"You guys won't believe this, in America in South Dakota there's this place called Standing Rock. This evil oil company is trying to build a pipeline through the Native American tribe's land! Isn't that terrible? People are getting hurt all for corporate greed!" Hermione spurted out quickly with tears building in her eyes. Harry couldn't tell if this was because she was a woman and couldn't control her emotions as usual, was on that time of the month where her nether regions were bleeding causing her brain to be even more unstable than usual or if she was just faking to seem like she cared when in reality she was just getting behind that issue to fit in and score pot and boys at the protests and appear "informed". It was perhaps an amalgation of all three factors.

"I don't see what's so terrible about that. A company has a right to increase their profits and oil is always going to be big business. If it's within a country's land they best take advantage of it. A wise person once said, drill baby drill!" Harry replied and took a swig of Mountain Dew from his 2 liter.

"Are you heartless? They're building it on the Native American's land! They're arresting people for defending their land." Hermione cried.

"Again what's so terrible about that? They were eons behind the colonists in technology and especially culture. If they were so great, they would've driven the Europeans out of the land when the Europeans first discovered the Americas centuries ago. Instead they were outmatched, outsmarted and especially outclassed by the superior Europeans. They deserved to get obliterated. Their land belongs to the Americans who descended from European settlers and they will do with the land whatever the please! Making use out of the land for oil is the logical and only right choice. If those people want to die for their land again, then so be it. History will only repeat itself and they will die for nothing. Why die for nothing when you can profit and die WITH something?" Harry said, nailing every point. Alas all these points went over Hermione's head as she started at him blankly.

"He makes a good point Hermione. Now there are barely any Native Americans left in America. They might as well either give up or dig up the bodies of their ancestors and move them somewhere else." Ron said, offering a logical alternative to protesting, which was just a waste of time.

"No! It's their land! They have a right to defend it!" Hermione shrieked at Ron and Harry.

"Hermione clearly you don't understand the basics of capitalism. Oil is big money, piplelines are big money. Of course you don't understand that because you'd rather not work the jobs the oil companies are offering building the pipelines and drilling the oil, which are fine jobs I might add, jobs that you can work your way up to management and be set for life. But no, you'd rather sit home, smoke your marijauna and collect welfare checks like a real leech! I doubt you could handle the physical labor anyway!" Harry shot back. Hermione started to cry but miraculously pulled herself together. She walked over to where her backpack and guitar case was and took out her acoustic guitar which was adorned with idiotic left buzzword stickers and left propaganda musical groups like U2 and Green Day.

"This land is your land... this land is my land...!" Hermione started to sing shrilly. She was mercifully cut off by Ron who grabbed her guitar and smashed it. Harry howled with laughter.

"Thank you! I thought I would go deaf listening to that." Harry said as he high fived Ron. Surprisingly Hermione didn't start to cry again. She just sat down pouting, plotting her next hairbrained scheme.

"So what should we do to pass the time here?" Harry said. As happy as he was to be out of the Dursley's fortress of mediocrity.

"Ok well... do you guys want to watch a movie? We have a couple here." Hermione said. She looked through the small shelf.

"Please pick something good, please pick something not shitty." Ron said through closed eyes.

"How does Star Wars: The Force Awakens sound?" Hermione asked as she picked up the DVD case of the movie.

Harry and Ron groaned at the mere mention of the title.

"Yuck no thanks." Ron said.

"Yeah Hermione. I want to watch the WORST Star Wars movie." Harry said but he was being very sarcastic.

"Why would you want to watch the prequels?" Hermione replied, completely missing Harry's extreme dose of sarcasm.

"Wow that went over your head faster than a jet flying over the Middle East for a bombing run. God you're dumb Hermione! I was being sarcastic!" Harry fired back.

"I don't think the prequels are that bad." Ron chimed in. "Actually I think all three Star Wars prequels are good movies!"

"I miss when Star Wars was a franchise for MEN, that didn't have to cater to women or minorities for SJW bullshit, for the approval of society that's been poisoned by SJWs. At least those things weren't problems when even the prequels came out." Harry scoffed.

"I agree Harry, both ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY and STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS were awful films. The prequels were much better!"

"There's tons more wrong with the Force Awakens. I don't have time to discuss everything because if I did it would take me all day but two things I must bring up. Point number one, it's just a complete rip off of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope! 'Member A New Hope? I 'member! Beat for beat it's pretty much the same movie but with more modern, flashy JJ Abrams bullshit special effects that are to be expected. And disappointment. Can't be a JJ Abrams movie without immense disappointment." Harry said.

"It'd be like watching a three hour episode of Lost!" Ron joked.

"Haha but with worse special effects. I wouldn't even wish watching Lost on Lord Voldemort." Harry replied.

"Has JJ Abrams ever made anything that isn't complete ass?" Ron wondered.

"Honestly no he hasn't. He has failed at every level of a film maker and director. I know a lot about film." Harry added. It was true, he studied film and dialogue in his spare time when he was bored with magic. He was basically a professor of film without the meaningless degrees.

"Not only that but the dialogue is terrible. If I wanted quippy nonsense I'd waste my money seeing a DISNEY MARVEL movie." Ron added.

"Don't even get me started on the awful dialogue. But I must mention the other big problem... How does a GIRL learn so fast how to use a lightsaber? Same with Rogue One. How does a girl survive the Empire for that long? They would've outsmarted her much like how the European settlers outsmarted the primitive natives in the Americas." Harry said.

"Yeah what gives?" Ron exlaimed.

"She wouldn't last one minute out in the wilderness of that stupid desert planet for one because women lack basic survival instincts like strength and intelligence. There's a reason in prehistoric times, you know the age of the caveman, that the women would stay in the caves and nurture the man's children and cook meals while THE MAN went out and hunted for game. A woman would never survive in the wilderness, she would either get killed by a stronger predator, get lost because of her short attention span if she saw something stupid and materialistic like shoes or lipstick and get lost. That's how it works in the real world, that's how things should be in Star Wars if it wants to live up the SCIENCE portion of SCIENCE FICTION!" Harry said.

"B-b-but-!" Hermione said. She had to protest this even though she understood nothing of science and of film.

"Shut up Hermione! You know I'm right." Harry interupted her.

"I don't want to hear you be a misongnyistic tool of the patriarchy like that Harry!" Hermione said.

"Don't you dare say SJW buzzwords like those around me. Misgonyny is a fake concept. Go cry about it on Tumblr!" Harry fired back. Hermione must've misunderstood Harry and took his insult as a command so she opened her laptop and logged in to her Tumblr account and immediately started whining about Harry even though he was right about everything he said.

"You know though Harry, back to the Force Awakens, Kylo Ren was pretty wizard." Ron said.

"Yeah he was. If the movie was only about him it would've been an actual success, not just in the box office but critically as well. A movie about Kylo Ren would not only be badass but it would be a great story. They could've even marketed it differently. Best way to market this bold, new Star Wars? Don't even market it as a Star Wars. Make it only about Kylo Ren and the Knights of Ren, show their adventures. Take away his lightsaber, give him a sword. Don't mention the Force. Remove all traces of Star Wars in the film as well as all of the promotional tools like trailers until the very end of the film where he meets Luke Skywalker or Han Solo and then the twist to the audience is that this awesome film they're getting wrapped up in is actually a Star Wars movie. Start Wars Is the twist. " Harry said with a grin on his face as he crossed his arms.

"Whoa! That would blow people's minds! That's brilliant Harry." Ron exclaimed.

"Thanks but think about it. Star Wars has always been about twists, think about. LUKE I AM YOUR FATHER!", Harry bellowed mimmicking Darth Vader in a deep voice. "Why not go for the UNCONVENTIONAL twist that no one, not even the audiences would see coming. Rope them into a new era of Star Wars without them even knowing it IS STAR WARS!"

"I thought they were good movies..." Hermione said sheepishly. She was half paying attention because she was still mindlessly reblogging tripe on Tumblr like feminism memes and fashion posts.

"How do you know good movies. Have you even SEEN ASSASSIN'S CREED Hermione?"

Hermione's silence said all it needed to.

"The true film franchise this fall will be ASSASSIN'S CREED, and I think box office results will reflect that."

"It look like it's going to be a superb flick!" Ron said thinking about the trailers he saw for the new Assassain's Creed film and how awesome he remembered them looking.

"It'll make people enjoy movies again. You see people get dragged to the movies by their children and girlfriends, and you can tell they're not having fun. No really, think about it. Think about any guy at a movie with their girlfriend/wife or kids. They're miserable because they're stuck watching some stupid romance or flashy animation. Something stupid perfect for the target audience of women ir children because those audiences ARE intrinsically stupider and don't need any substance in film genres catered to them. The guys stuck watching these movies know this, They know they're better than a child's animation film, they know they're smarter than a woman's romantic comedy about shopping. They deserve betterASSASSIN'S CREED is gonna fix that." Harry mused.

"I don't know Assassin's Creed very well." Hermione said as she reblogged dozens of posts from femnist, left propaganda artists like Anite Sarkeesian, Brianna Wu and Zoe Quinn's blogs because she had all three of their blogs open at the same time in different tabs. "The only video games I've played are Undertale, Overwatch, and the Last of Us."

Harry and Ron laughed so hard they cried so greatly.

"The Last of Us is such bullshit. Ellie wouldn't have lasted because she's a girl, and Joel would have finished her off quickly for resources. It's woefully unrealstic." Harry said, which easily shut Hermione up.

"Shut up! That's not true." Hermione yelled, easily becoming typically overcome with emotion over reason.

"Want to watch some Netflix?" Ron asked. He was getting tired of Hermione blathering on about such mindless topics.

"Look at that! They have The Jeff Dunham Show!" Ron said as soon as he logged in to see the new shows added.

"The true tragedy is Jeff Dunham's comedy program getting cancelled due to the SJWs. It was better than that hack Chapelle." Harry mused.

"I never thought Dave Chapell was funny. At all. Only one skit was funny..." Ron thought out loud.

"I don't want to watch this, it's offensive." Hermione said unreasonably.

"You're being unreasonable Hermione." Harry scoffed.

"I'd rather watch the Dailey Show with Trevor Noah, we can all be quiet and watch the news." Hermione said as she noticed the Dailey Show was in fact on Netflix.

"News? Bahahahaha!" Ron said as Doritos fell out of mouth.

"You get your news from COMEDIANS hermione they can't tell the truth! How can you tell if they're reporting the news or telling a joke. You're just too stupid to tell the difference!" Harry said making a valid point.

Hermione stared blankly at him morosely trying to come up with a valid point of her own but it was more difficult for her since she was on the losing side of the argument and lacked actual facts and figures that weren't from comedians NOT REAL JOURNALISTS.

"Oh by the way Harry, before I forget... "Ron said reaching into his pocket. He pulled out what looked like a plastic ear with a string attached.

"What the bloody hell is this?" Harry asked, examining the bizarre toy.

"It's an Extendable Ear. Fred and George got them for me, not your neighbor George my brother George." Ron explained.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Harry said with a mischievous grin.

"Let's listen to what the Order of Phoenix is saying in their meeting!" Ron said. The boys ran up the stairs as Hermione stayed, glued to her laptop and tumblr reading over SJW propaganda. The boys went inside the elevator and went up to the conference floor. They tiptoed down the dimly lit hallway to the golden doors of the conference center and placed the ears at the door. Unfortunately they just missed the Order of Phoenix's discussion on integrating ergonomics into the Order. Or at least they were on the tail end of that portion of the meeting.

"And now..." A voice belonging to what sounded like Mad Eye Moody started. "The matter of guarding..."

"Guarding what?" Ron whispered loudly, causing Harry to miss what Moody was saying.

"Ron you fool be silent." Harry hissed. Guarding what indeed, Harry could only assume HE was what they were guarding.


	5. Chapter 5

**HARRY POTTER AND THE SHIELD OF TRUTH**

 **Chapter 5 "Luna Lovegood-10"**

 _ **A/N:**_ After re-reading Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix several times, I can do that because I have a college education and read at a pace quicker than the normal readers do thus processing informationg more swiftly, I have decided to omit several filler chapters, being the following chapters; CHAPTER 5: THE ORDER OF PHOENIX, CHAPTER 6: THE NOBLE AND MOST ANCIENT HOUSE OF BLACK, CHAPTER 7:THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC, CHAPTER 8: THE HEARING, and CHAPTER 9: THE WOES OF MRS. WEASLEY. The events that occur in Grimwald Palace and the details surrounding the fatally flawed character of Sirius Black and last but not least, the court room scenes added nothing to the story. Rowling is obviously a skilled writer but she knows nothing about pacing in terms of basic storytelling. In addition to that I noticed several grammatical and spelling errors plagued the story throughout. How they slipped past an editor whose first language is English is beyond me, which makes me suspect whomever edited the books for Scholastic perhaps was not an English speaker or possibly not employed legally to edit. I wanted to move the story to Hogwarts faster where more important events occur inevitably. Anyway, the show must go on as they say. To explain the chapter title, this is where they meet Luna Lovegood but I included a "10" with the title to allude to the fact that I skipped ahead to the events of chapter 10. However I will go from my own numerical chapter system remaining at 5 even though I am leaving out the events of chapters 5 to 9. On with the story.

Harry and Ron remained pressed to the oaken doors of the conference room of 12 Grimwald Place where the Order of Phoenix were engaging in their meeting. The batteries on their Extendable Ears had died rendering them useless. All they could hear at the moment was muffled chatter behind the doors which was illegible.

"I can't hear a fucking thing they're saying Harry." Ron whispered. His ear pressed at the center of the door.

"I can't either Ron. I feel like they were getting to something important." Harry replied.

But what they did hear was the sound that was most familiar to them. The sound of the door knob being turned.

"Shit!" Harry exclaimed as he fell back. Opening the door was Sirius Black, Harry's uncle. Followed by Sirius were Lupin and Moody.

"What's all this then? Eavesdropping on us are you?" Sirius said angrily.

"We have a right to know what's going on! We want the TRUTH! Not FAKE NEWS!" Harry shouted.

Sirius didn't reply. In fact he grinned.

"That's the spirit of my brother James Potter that I remember. Not backing down and always wanting the truth. Not whatever garbage the liberal controlled media was feeding the masses. Alright Harry, I'll tell you everything that we dicussed. You are almost a legal adult, why shouldn't you be denied a right to this information?" Sirius said.

"That's right." Ron said.

"Harry you know, there is, a, well, there's a war coming. And it's coming for something more sacred than anything that's ever been on the line before. And you will be at the heart of it Harry." Sirius Black, Harry's godfather, said.

"What is it Sirius?" Harry Potter asked. He had a good idea of what he was going to say but humored him anyways.

"When you arrive at Hogwarts, you'll see things are...different. Than before." Sirius said with an ominously tone in his voice, delicate, but full of fire deep down inside of it.

"Tell me what's happened, Sirius. We can handle it." Harry said.

Sirius smiled, obivously proud of his godson who was a true and stalwart person in this world.

"They're letting Muggles into the school, Harry."

"What the absolute fuck?" Harry said. He didn't expect that.

"The Ministry of Magic is dipping its fiendish toes into our school, and wants to keep all the crybabies safe who want protection from Voldemort."

"But Muggles can't do magic, Sirius." Harry said.

"Plus they will dilute the purity of the bloodline of the school!" Ron said.

"I know, I know." Sirius said wistfully. "I remember when your father and I personally cursed all of the muggles near us. Now it feels like I can't even speak a bad word about them without getting thrown into Azkaban again."

"PC Culture." They all angrily said together.

"So you'll have to be prepared for the Muggles being at Hogwarts."

"Try to see that SJW bitch try to shine this turd up." Ron said.

"And...there's more." Sirius evoked. "Harry...they're going to not charge for tuition anymore at Hogwarts."

"How the hell?" Ron bellowed.

"I know." Sirius said.

"That's bullshit! Absolute bullshit!" Harry exclaimed.

Harry was steaming. If there was one thing he couldn't stand, it was free handouts. It was a mark of the weak. Whether it be welfare which was abused more than anything, food stamps or tuition cuts, Harry just hated any form of handout.

"So be prepared for anyone to be there." Sirius said.

"There's one last thing." Sirius said.

"Voldemort's Weapon. What is it, Sirius?"

"It's the prophecy regarding your birth. It could either be you or Neville that is destined to defeat Voldemort, but we all know Neville is weak and only the strong survive here."

"That's true." Ron said.

"Voldemort will stop at nothing to get that prophecy Harry. So be careful."

Suddenly someone apparated into the room. It was a smug looking, beady eyed attorney in a suit. An expensive suit. A Brioni Colesseo Check Two piece suit which was valued at least $6,500. He cast his nose down at Harry, Sirius, and Ron.

"My name is Michael Goldbergstein. I am the attorney for Albus Dumbledore. I am here to inform Mr. Potter that his charges of using magic outside of school have been cleared in an out of court settlement and he's free to go to Hogwarts."

"Not free." Harry spat. "I EARNED the right to go to Hogwarts with my HARD EARNED MONEY."

"Be that as it may Mr. Potter but you must excuse me, my nephew Chanan's bar mitzvah is today and I can't wait to see his reaction when I give him this gift I bought him." The attorney showed off a gold Rolex new in box to Harry and left, obviously convinced by Harry's argument.

"Come Harry, I have a good stress reliever for you in the midst of all of this tension." Sirius said. He led Harry out into the corridor into a room down the hallway. There was a locked door which Sirrius opened into a dark room. Harry and Ron followed him inside as Sirrius turned the lights on. There in the middle of the room was a very decrepit and old looking house elf tied to a table with a black bag over his head.

"Harry this is Kreacher. He's a real piece of work. Whenever I'm in a bad mood I come in here and take whatever is bothering me out on him." Sirius explained. He dumped a bucket of water on Kreacher.

"Please help me..." Kreacher wheezed.

"Shut the fuck up!" Sirius yelled and dumped more water on his mouth. "Do you know what I'm doing Harry?"

"Yeah you're waterboarding him! That's what all those nasty terrorists get once they get caught."

"Wanna try it?" Sirius asked with a grin.

"Oh wow you know it!" Harry said. He filled up his pail of water in a nearby sink and without hesitation dumped it on the crusty old bitter house elf.

"Stop it! Please!" Kreacher said after spitting up more water.

"You're right Sirius. This is fun!" Harry said as Sirus smiled at his god son.

As luxurious and accomodating as 12 Grimwald Place was, Harry had enough of staying there. It was time to begin his 5th year at Hogwarts School of Wizardry even though things would be much worse there this year with all the Muggles. Even so Harry was still eager for a new year of school. After a long drive through London Harry, the Weasleys and Hermione arrived at platform 9 and 3 Quarters to board the Hogwarts Express train to begin their journey to Hogwarts and education. But as soon as they arrived they noticed something was different already.

"What's with all the trucks Harry?" Ron asked. Instead of the usual vehicles in the lot outside of the station there was an abundance of food trucks selling tacos, burritos and other derelict foods in addition to colorfully painted cars with lowered suspensions known on the streets as "low-riders". Several run down looking yellow school buses pulled up as well and scores upon scores of non English speaking youth piled out.

"I'm not sure but I have a bad feeling this has something to do with Muggles being allowed into Hogwarts, muddying the otherwise clear waters of the school's magic population." Harry said pensively.

Harry went to the ticket office to buy his ticket to get on the train but noticed no one was in the booth.

"What the hell? How am I supposed to get on if I can't buy a ticket?" Harry said.

"Didn't you hear?" Hermione said with a dopey liberal grin on her face.

"What now?" Harry said.

"The Ministry of Magic noticed the new Muggle students were having a difficult time affording transportation to school because they're low income or their welfare wouldn't cover it so they slashed ticket sales altogether." Hermione explained if you want to call it that.

"That is insane. That is absolute fucking insanity. It's bad enough anyone can get a magical education now without having to pay tuition or even simply BE MAGIC WHICH IS ROBBING HOGWARTS OF IT'S MAGICAL IDENTITY but now these people can get on the Hogwarts express FOR FREE? What's next? Free meals for these people?" Harry said, shocked at this miscarriage of justice.

"Actually yes, the Ministry of Magic is implementing a free lunch policy for all students this year. It's all here in this brochure." Hermione said, hanging Harry the new year school program for Hogwarts which had a disgusting picture on the front which looked like a liberal's wet dream of rainbows and moonbeams. It said "DIVERSITY", "TOLERANCE", "EDUCATION" and "FREEDOM" in rainbow font with a sillohutte of multi colored stick figures holding hands. Just looking at it made Harry want to vomit. Whoever designed it had not even a modicum of an idea of what freedom truly meant.

Ron snatched the program and ripped it up.

"That's so stupid Hermione, you're stupid. You have to be loving this." Ron said.

"I do love this. I love diversity. I think this is going to be the best year of Hogwarts yet." Hermione said excitedly.

"You better shut your mouth Hermione if you keep saying nonsense like that Hermione or you're going to get decked very quickly." Ron warned.

"Don't threaten me you cis-gendered pig! I am going to get on the train and go on Tumblr and blog about despite all the progress Hogwarts is making this year I still have to deal with meanies like you!" Hermione said as she ran off crying.  
"Well at least Hermione's bullshit hasn't changed." Harry said. He stepped onto the train and saw a kid just standing there looking confused. He had a dusty white shirt on from what Harry assumed was desert dust and blue jeans on, he also had a name tag on that read, "Jose".

"Are you lost?" Harry said. The kid stared back blankly at him.

"Did you hear me? Are you deaf?" Still nothing.

"DO. YOU. UNDERSTAND. OUR. LANGUAGE?" Ron said loudly.A

"?Que?" Jose said.

"Oh my god, this kid doesn't speak a lick of English. " Harry said, mortified.

"No he venido aqu legalmente. Estoy aqu para vender drogas, robar propiedades y aprovechar el bienestar y la comida gratis en Hogwarts. Amo el crimen y ser un criminal. Mi familia tambi n son delincuentes y los traen ilegalmente a la escuela!" Jose said.

"What? Speak English goddamn it!" Ron yelled.

"Mis amigos y yo destruiemos a Hogwarts! Jajajajajajajaja!" Jose said and ran off.

"I have no idea what he said but I don't think that kid got here legally." Harry said. He and Ron went into their designated prefects car on the train because they were promoted to being prefects the previous year, a monumental accomplishment as they were the first 4th year students to be selected as prefects.

Inside the car a blonde haired girl was sitting there on her laptop. She protuberant eyes that gave her a permanently surprised look but Harry speculated she looked that way because she was a woman and had a low memory span so was surprised by new things daily.

"What are you doing here? This is the PREFECT's car. Girls aren't allowed to be prefects because they have no meaningful authority. That's why over in a respectable country like the United States of America they have never had a female president because they know better." Harry said sternly.

"You do realize other countries, including Britain have broken away from the system of the patriarchy right? The rest of the world is moving away from the patriarchy and allowing women to hold positions of authority and Hogwarts is now finally catching up and being progressive." the girl said. Harry looked at her laptop screen and as luck would have it, she was on Tumblr.

"Wow, you're just like our friend Hermione. But you're not as stupid!" Ron said.

"My house Ravenclaw allows anyone who wants to be prefect the chance to be a prefect. My name is Luna Lovegood by the way, thanks for not introducing yourself. Typical rude male!" Luna said angrily.

"Typical dumb female! If that system has been in place for thousands upon thousands of years there's a good reason for it! It works! If it isn't broke don't fix it. People like you don't want to disestablish patriarchical systems for the good of others, you want to do it to benefit yourself nand your own selfish desires. Typical vanity from the female brain. And you act like you're such a victim for having a vagina but take into accounst these statistics; 98% of combat deaths are men, 78% of homicide victims are men 78% of suicides are committed by men, 80% of workplace fatalities happen to men, 75% of jobs lost in the Great Recession belonged to men, 80% of divorces are initiated by women, 16% of men receive children in custody battles and 85% of household spending is controlled by women. If anything society is more cruel to men even though men have done nothing but positive things for society!" Harry said destroying this girl before she even had a chance to get started with an argument.

"Well...I...well... uh... Ok fine you win. " Luna said.

"Go a few doors down, that's where Hermione is. You can talk to her about clothes or JCPenny sales or whatever nonsense you can think of but don't come crying to me that you're the one who's being oppressed!" Harry snapped. Luna started to sob and walked out.

"You sure showed that bitch who's the boss." Ron said.

"Call me Tony Danza I guess." Harry said as he sat down and took the seat previously occupied by Luna.


	6. Chapter 6

**HARRY POTTER AND THE SHIELD OF TRUTH**

 **Chapter 6: The Sorting Hat's New Song**

 _ **A/N:**_ Shoutout to user TooLazyToLogin for the two reviews, they are greatly appreciated. However you are absolutely wrong in saying this story is a parody. This is not in fact a parody. It is a re-telling of Book 6 The Order of Phoenix but with more pressing and relevant content woven into the fabric of the tale. No agenda, no parody. Just facts. Next!

As the Hogwarts express halted to a stop, the students gathered their belongings and stepped off the train, disembarking for the short hike up to the school. Harry's face contorted to a glimmering smile, much like the smile of satisfcation on Tom Brady's face every time he single handedly won each of the five Super Bowl championships for his team, the New Englad Patriots of the National Football League in the United States of America. While Quidditch was Harry's first love his second was watching New England Patriots football. Every year Harry would try to emmulate his hero Tom Brady's success and talent into the seeker position to attain the same level of championship success.

As Harry trudged forth towards the hallowed halls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, he felt a sense of unease. Every other year he felt a sense of belonging and a true sense of home but this year was , especially after the demoralizing experiences at the train station. There was a definite sense of overcrowding with the new faces of Muggles exiting the train and beginning the trek to the school. It was bad enough these new students didn't have to pay tuition or for Hogwarts express tickets but they obviously had not read the Hogwarts Code of Conduct book that all magical students were required to read. Harry noticed these new students defacing various landmarks on the way to the school, spray painting what Harry could only assume were gang related or just plane disrespect to the school. THE SCHOOL THAT WAS LETTING THEM IN FOR FREE!

"This is just plane disrespectful Ron." Harry said as he saw the group of young boys spray painting and talking loudly in their native language.

"You can say that again, mate. Something needs to be done about these people. Where did they come from anyway?" Ron wondered as he lit up a cigarette.

"Take a look at them Ron. Isn't it obvious? They're from Mexico and Latin America. I highly doubt they got in here legally! The Ministry of Magic is so fucking lax when it comes to checking these people's backgrounds. Those cucks at the Ministry want to give them a safe haven and for some God forsaken reason they chose Hogwarts!" Harry said angrily and loudly hoping the Mexicans would here him. But Harry doubted it, they didn't have the respect to learn English even though they were attending an English language school in England! The country where English as a language was formed!

"That's just a load of malarky Harry." Ron said, shaking his head.

"When Mexico sends its' people, it's not sending their best. They're not sending you. They're not sending you. They're sending you people that have lots of problems, and they're bringing those problems with us. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. And some, I assume, are good people. But I doubt any of these new students are good people judging by the fact they haven't read the Hogwarts Code of Codunct." Harry said, he was right in everything he said.

"Remember when we had to memorize the Hogwarts Code of Conduct Harry? There were so many pages, I think it was in the thousands of all the rules and regulations here." Ron said, reminiscining.

"Oh I remember it fondly. I actually had to work hard to get in here, it wasn't easy. And then you had tuition. Hogwarts should only accept the elite, not every Tom, Dick and Harry that wants to waltz right in!" Harry said angrily while also reminiscing.

Hermione was also following them and heard every word of truth Harry and Ron were speaking and couldn't handle it.

"How can you say those things about those poor pople?" Hermione said through tears. Already she was letting emotions get the best of her over facts and reason.

"You just had to chime in, didn't you Hermione?" Ron said.

"Hermione I wish I could deport these crimimals back to Mexico and deport you to Tumblr some how. Hmmm maybe I should start calling you Tumblrmione!" Harry said as Ron laughed at Harry's clever new nickname for Hermione that he thought of on the fly.

"How are they criminals? They aren't even doing anything." Hermione said, being blind to the crime occcuring around her.

"Are you blind to the crime occuring around you? Look, those kids there just spray painted some Mexican words on a tree. Over there I think those kids are selling illegal drugs to students. Once I stepped off the Hogwarts Express I think I saw some kids mugging some 2nd year students with illegal weapons! There is so much illegal activity going on here already by illegal people. They're already polluting the magical population!" Harry exclaimed vicariously.

"That's not true. They're bringing in a different culture Harry. Like the food trucks! Have you ever had Mexican food? It's amazing Harry." Hermione said with a weak defense of the illegal criminal immigrants that were now students at Hogwarts.

"What difference does that make? Magical culture is superior to their backwater culture. We do not need it interfering and distracting us!" Harry said. Unfortunately the debate had to end, even though it was a no-contest. Harry was winning much like the New England Patriots every year in the National Football Leage in the United States of America. It was ending because during the entirety of the discussions they advanced to the doors of Hogwarts into the Great Hall for the sorting ceremony. The group of Harry, Ron and Hermione entered and found a seat next to Ginny Weasley at the Gryffindor table along with the rest of the Weasley clan.

"I wish we didn't have to listen to the stupid Sorting Hat's song this year even though it's tradition and tradition is important. Still, why can't they get a popular music group like 3 Doors Down?" Ginny asked.

"Good point Ginny. Tradition is important but why not add on to it with some significant groups of modern times." Harry said.

"Or Kid Rock!" Ron added. He was actually wearing a Kid Rock T-shirt under his maroon sweatshirt.

"Yeah!" Harry and Ginny said at the same time.

The group did not have a chance to chat more as the musty old Sorting Hat began its' song.

"In times of old when I was new And Hogwarts barely started The founders of our noble school Thought never to be parted:  
United by a common goal,  
They had the selfsame yearning,  
To make the world's best magic school And pass along their learning.  
"Together we will build and teach!"  
The four good friends decided And never did they dream that they Might someday be divided,  
For were there such friends anywhere As Slytherin and Gryffindor?  
Unless it was the second pair Of Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw?  
So how could it have gone so wrong?  
How could such friendships fail?  
Why, I was there and so can tell The whole sad, sorry tale.  
Said Slytherin, "We'll teach just those Whose ancestry is purest."  
Said Ravenclaw, "We'll teach those whose Intelligence is surest."  
Said Gryffindor, "We'll teach all those With brave deeds to their name,"  
Said Hufflepuff, "I'll teach the lot,  
And treat them just the same."  
These differences caused little strife When first they came to light,  
For each of the four founders had A House in which they might Take only those they wanted, so,  
For instance, Slytherin Took only pure-blood wizards Of great cunning, just like him,  
And those of sharpest mind Were taught by Ravenclaw While the bravest and the boldest Went to daring Gryffindor.  
Good Hufflepuff, she took the rest,  
And taught them all she knew,  
Thus the Houses and their founders Retained friendships firm and true.  
So Hogwarts worked in harmony For several happy years,  
But then discord crept among us Feeding on our faults and fears.  
The Houses that, like pillars four,  
Had once held up our school,  
Now turned upon each other and,  
Divided, sought to rule.  
And for a while it seemed the school Must meet an early end,  
What with dueling and with fighting And the clash of friend on friend And at last there came a morning When old Slytherin departed And though the fighting then died out He left us quite downhearted.  
And never since the founders four Were whittled down to three Have the Houses been united As they once were meant to be.  
And now the Sorting Hat is here And you all know the score:  
I sort you into Houses Because that is what I'm for,  
But this year I'll go further,  
Listen closely to my song:  
Though condemned I am to split you Still I worry that it's wrong,  
Though I must fulfill my duty And must quarter every year Still I wonder whether sorting May not bring the end I fear.  
Oh, know the perils, read the signs,  
The warning history shows,  
For our Hogwarts is in danger From external, deadly foes And we must unite inside her Or we'll crumble from within I have told you, I have warned you...  
Let the Sorting now begin." The Sorting Hat sang.

Harry noticed immediately the song was different from years past.

"External deadly foes... the illegal Mexican immigrants!" Harry whispered loudly to Ron. Even the Sorting Hat knew that Hogwarts had been contaminated. As soon as the song ended Harry's attention turned to the staff table where Professror Dumbledore and the other big shot teachers sat.

"Hold the fuck on, where's Hagrid?" Harry speculated.

His observation was correct that Hagrid was not at the location where the rest of the teachers were. Was this another scheme of the hidden evils of Voldemort?

Dumbledore rose to the podium, like all great leaders do. He was certain to clear up these mistakes.

"Hello and welcome to a new year at Hogwarts School of WitchCraft and Wizardry."

The crowd cheered. Dumbledore was a respected figure and Harry trusted him.

"I have some announcements to make. Taking over Care of Magic Creatures is Professor Grubbly Plank.

Professor Grubbly Plank looked to Harry like a giant bitch. He could see it in her eyes: A liberal arts degree was her only education, and she was wholly unfit to teach because of it. He would have to deal with her when class came.

There was another someone new up there who Harry could only glean was the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. A short, squat woman who resembled a large pale toad, with short, curly, mouse-brown hair wearing a hideous looking pants suit. She looked like a complete bureaucrat who leaned liberal. In other words a left bitch.

"Dolores Umbridge will be taking over the Defense Against the Dark Arts position." Dumbledore said.

Dumbledore was about to speak more, surely about the new illegal students, but something horrible happened. Umbridge interrpted him.

The large woman took the podium.

"I hate seeing women speak at podiums." Harry says.

"It's just not right." Ron said.

"Ahem. I would like to thank Professor Dumbledore for accepting this application from me to work here." Umbridge said.

She droned on and on. Harry was bored immediately and thought of better things, like the gun he brought to school. Until something she said really caught his attention.

"To make Hogwarts a better place, we must all work together in unity, high and low, and we will have a better vision of the future of magic because of it. I invited the new students into school. To me, they are a "weapon" to making sure we have a brightest future!"

Harry steamed. So it was her that brought them in. And perhaps it was a some kind of "double speak" (A/N: Look it up, I'm not here to explain everything to you.) that the "weapon" could be related to Voldemort's weapon. Harry knew he needed something to work against these weapons.

"I also want to encourage our students that the enemies from Durstrang will not continue their mistreatment of the other wizarding communities. Our war plan is set in stone."

"That bitch." Harry said. "She's such a warhawk, she's gonna start a magical war."

"I don't know guys, #Imwithher." Hermione said.

Harry was too shaken to even flip her plate of food in her face like he normally did when she said something foolish. He just walked away from the Great Hall to his room.

On the way up, his slimey enemy Draco Malfoy waits for him.

"Harry, I'd like to talk to you about the magical pipeline situation." Draco said pathetically, handing Harry a piece of paper.

"Shut. The. FUCK. Up. Malfoy." Harry said and stormed past him.

Harry was angry, angry than he'd maybe ever been. The clockwork machinations of his incredible mind spun and whirred as he planned out just how to deal with this Umbridge.


	7. Chapter 7

**HARRY POTTER AND THE SHIELD OF TRUTH**

 **Chapter 7: Dolores Umbridge**

 _ **A/N:** _ A response to user "acmcnabb";

First of all, let's look for this guy acmcnabb's stories. He doesn't have any! He doesn't have any stories! He doesn't have any stories. Why? Because he is failing as a writer. If he did have any ideas they'd be too stupid to publish on the internet and he'd be too afraid to post them in the first place. Sad!

"Wow this has got to be the dumbest fanfiction I have ever read. And ur supposed to be a writer?"

Wrong. It's not dumb, you just can't handle the truths on display here in this story because you have been spoonfed the bullshit from MSNBC or CNN or any other fake news source.

Check your facts. #1 the year is 1995. Obama was not president in 95.

WRONG. The books do not take place in 1995. Do not debate me on this. I used to be on the debate team in high school and I never lost a single debate. There is no proof that the books are set in the 90s. There is no evidence. No evdience. The time period is ambiguous. You don't even know what a fact is. That's why I'm writing this story. To entertain and inform in the realm of J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series.

#2 do u really think the dursleys would just let Harry act like that? They'd have dropped him at the first orphanage around.

In this the Dursleys are liberal pushovers so yes, they do let Harry act like that. Don't you think deep down Harry wanted to strike down the Dursleys for promoting all of their shameful liberal ideals? Or was at least plotting to strike the Dursleys and eliminate them with magic when the time was right? Otherwise I think he'd attack them and take the risk of ending up in an orphanage or foster care. Due to his appearance he would end up with the right parents, probably doctors or other people high on the tax bracket who wanted someone of his complexion and not in some drug slum in a poor part of a city with vagrants and drug dealers and criminals.

#3 the supposed good guys are just killing each other, and still supposed to be the good guys and Harry's still a hero.

So? There's a thing called interesting writing and that is what I deal. Can't handle it and want liberal hugfests? Go somewhere else.

Dumb story, sorry I wasted my time. Your grammar is off and shit is spelled wrong too. VERY DISAPPOINTED WITH THIS"

I am not sorry for writing this and there are zero spelling errors. ZERO. Your review however was marred with all sorts of spelling errors and butchering of the English language. No capitalization or sentence structure and you were too lazy to simply spell, "YOUR"!

It was after I wrote this response that I realized something, the reviews generated for this story are FAKE COMMENTS and FAKE REVIEWS. I can't believe it. Fanfiction is part of the left establishment. The left and the DNC are so upset with this story that they're creating fake accounts to write negative reviews. I woke up one morning and saw the positive reviews but when I checked later in the day I saw they were gone and replaced with negative reviews! I can't believe it. I am consulting my friend's dad who is a lawyer to see what my legal options are and see about suing for this defamation of my name and my story! Very unfair!

Anyhoo, onward with the prose. Enjoy!

After a long, sleepless night of deliberating how to handle the many problems Hogwarts was facing with Umbridge, the illegal immigrants and whatever else may arise Harry, witty, charming and incredible as ever, headed straight for headmaster Albus Dumbledore's office. He thought at least he could find counsel with the headmaster of the school whom he considered a close friend. Harry deduced the password change for his office already, from eavesdropping on teachers and the series of connections in the school he had. He knew his network of informants would help him in the coming year.

"Blood and honor." Harry said, and the door opnend. Blood and honor was all that mattered in life. It determined who you were as a person and how you lived. It was the only sensible way to live in a world full of chaos and carnage caused by undesirables. Harry thought to himself... With all the events and madness of the last year. One has to think about what this world is coming to. The terrorism, the protests, and just the plain old happenings of violence that most of the public does not get to see. It is truly sickening to the stomach. Harry thought of the clips of violence he had seen against the helpless, against the old and the young. He had to ask myself, do these perpetrators have an actual conscience? I think what separates us from them, is that we do have a conscience. We could never perpetrate such acts, it is truly not in our nature. That is after all what seperates people from the animals.

Harry thought of a question people asked him. They have asked about what keeps him going. His answer is pretty simple, magic and fighting your way thought a world of darkness is a way for voicing our frustrations, our love, our anger with the world. His dye was cast many years ago, even though he is quite different from the old days, he'll always carry the burden of the world with him. While the "industry" can glamorize criminals and pedophiles, they are only putting more fuel in his drive. His morals and honor far outweigh their money and glamour. He would rather be a bad apple than a slave to the gold and false pretenses of social justice.

As Harry made his way in, he noticed Dumbledore wasn't there, wihch made Harry very mad and upset. Harry chucked one of Dumbledore's books on the ground and thought of how easily he could burn this school down if it continued to not meet his needs. To get rid of all the oldies and long timers...it'd be doable, especially to a brain as bright as Harry's. They might as well do away with the old guard if they were blind and arrogant enough to let those of non-magic blood into the school like the illegal immigrants. The thought of them desecrating the school with their presence alone made Harry's blood boil.

"Harry?" Dumbledore said.

"There you are." Harry said increduously.

"I'm sorry Harry, I know I should be available to you at all times but with Voldemort's return, I am a bit...preoccupied."

"Whatever." Harry said.

"Harry, did I ever tell you the story of how my phoenix returned the growth of this life world?" Dumbledore asked.

Harry was mad, and ignored Dumbledore, instead looking over his desk. He saw a picture that caught his eye. It was of his Headmaster Albus Dumbledore with a true American hero, both wearing formal bow tie attire sitting at a dinner table amongsts other nameless men, no doubt men of class, integrity and power, smiling. The man Dumbledore was next to? _Ronald Reagan._

"Who gives a shit about that dumb fucking bird? When did YOU MEET RONALD REAGAN?" Harry asked.

Dumbledore chuckled, a twinkle in his eyes and a grin on his mouth. His glasses sparkled as he recollected.

"It was on one of my many visits to the greatest country in the world, the United States of America. I'll tell you the full story another time as it is a long tale, you need to head to class."

"Oh please Professor Dumbledore. Ronald Reagan is one of my personal heroes. He is the greatest American President of all time and perhaps one of the greatest leaders in the world. I need to hear this tale!", Harry said, refusing to go anywhere. Class be damned. Dumbledore smiled and picked up the photo frame of himself and _The Gipper._

"The year was 1981. President Reagan was new in office and was just being briefed on the existance of the magic world. At first he thought we were nothing but a bunch of devil worshipping heathens who only used black magic but soon he saw that we too were men of God. Our magic is only exists because of His Divine Will. During our first meeting we learned that things were grave in the United States of America who was engaged in the Cold War against the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics otherwise known as the USSR. Things were not looking good for the United States who was falling behind in the nuclear arms race against the Soviet Union. The USSR had 100 more nuclear bombs for every one nuclear bomb the US had. Reagan and the CIA wanted me and my colleagues to help create the next super weapon for the US to help them gain an advantage and speed up production of nuclear arms with magic. It would be quite the comeback at that point..."

"Sort of like how Tom Brady helped the New England Patriots win Super Bowl LI against the Atlanta Falcons when he rallied the team to overcome a 28-3 score and gain 25 points to push the game into overtime in the fourth quarter to win the game in what is now seen as the greatest comeback in Super Bowl History?" Harry said, gleaming with pride.

"Yes Harry, good example. Exactly like that instance. With the help of the United States' brightest minds, we created the Magical United Nuclear Proliferation TaskGroup or _**MUNPT**_. We developed a new bomb called the M-B90-IV which was the magical variation of the B90 nuclear bomb and a continuation of the B90 phase 3. Phase 4 in this case." Dumbledore explained.

Harry had a sound understanding of nuclear warfare so this was all very fascinating to him.

"The power of this weapon was immense Harry. Before we could test it, we determined that it could not be used on this planet at all so it was tested in space on farther planets lest we risk its destructive effects on the planet Earth. We destroyed planets tens of thousand times larger than the earth with the power of magic and atomic engineering. We knew this was the solution to defeating the Soviet Unions. If we had to decimate the entire planet so be it. Americans and all God fearing people would meet Him while all of our enemies we may have to destroy would burn in the lake of fire in Hell." Dumbledore continued with utter seriousness.

"His will be done. " Harry said softly under his breath.

"But of course you know how this story ends. With the help of the magic world the forces of good stopped the Soviet Union from existing and strong armed them into submission. As it turns out Reagan would need my help one last time. He called me late one night and said, 'Albus... is it ok if I call you Al? Al, I don't know what to do. We are scheduled to demolish the Berlin Wall as a show of Western supremacy and might but it seems the Soviets have used black magic to prevent any of our tools to destroy it. We tested destroying some segments before the big broadcast of the fall this year in 1989 but we don't know what do. Can you and your light magic help us?'... and you know what I said Harry?" Dumbledore said as he looked off into the distance.

"What did you say, professor?"

"I said you're goddamn right I will help you destroy that wall. Not only for freedom but to prove that black magic and socialism will never thrive in this world. May all the evil wizards and socialists crawl back into the sewers where they and all the other subhumans belong and may freedom flourish in the age of the free market." Dumbledore said ending his rousing tale. Harry felt goosebumps rise on his arm as Dumbledore finished. What a fantastic story of victory in the face of socialist scum!

"That was an amazing story, Albus. With all the turmoil and darkness in the world, that provided me with the energy I was looking for. Thank you for bringing me closer to the light. I think I can handle this year now. If Reagan and you can win against all odds I think I can win against everything that's bothering me." Harry said. He wanted to complain about the illegal immigrant students and all of the other PC rules that were permeating into the school but he was in too good of a mood at this point to talk about something that would only upset him again. He knew however that Dumbledore had all the time in the world to listen to him.

"I'll talk to you later Albus." Harry said as he started to head back.

"Any time you need me Harry, you are welcome here unlike other students. I've known you since you were a small boy. I have advised you over the years when I could ... I am very proud of your accomplishments. You have won many battles we thought were lost . . . and you saved my life. I hope you trust me, Harry." Dumbledore said crpytically.

"I trust you Albus." Harry said, taken aback by Dumbledore's somber tone.

Harry begrudginly and disappointedly went to his class Against the Dark Arts. As he sat down in the classroom, he could tell Umbridge was a fucking bitch from the Great Hall, but up close he could tell even more. She sat up by her podium as the students filled the room, which looked wrong to begin with as women have no business being near a monument of power like a podium with their smaller IQ's and insatiable urges to listen to emotion over reason. Harry glared at her not blinking once as he waited for his friends to sit by him. Ron immediately noticed and emphasized with Harry.

"I don't want to hear what this bitch has to say. I know it will be rubbish PC crap the Ministry is trying to immplent into magical teaching. I don't care if she's my teacher. A bitch is a bitch." Ron scoffed as he kicked his feet up on the desk.

"She looks like a dog, doesn't she? Just a complete utter pig, a slob. Ugly and a bureaucrat career politician in the Ministry of Magic. She's almost everything wrong with the world." Harry sneered with his arms crossed.

"You know my old man my dad had a joke about women like her in politics. He said they're too stupid to learn their place in society and were rejected so many times because they're ugly they decided to get into politics as revenge to make all the lives of the men who rejected them miserable. And they marry other career politicians for leverage. Those male career policians can't reject them so they cheat on them! I would feel bad for them if they weren't usually liberals" Ron said as Harry laughed at Ron's dad's joke. Ron said it extra loud so Hermione who was sitting next to him would hear it and get upset even though everything he was saying about women in politics was true.

"Your dad's a smart man. Liberals are the only people dumb enough to let women into their ranks. " Harry said as the last student got in a minute later as the classroom clocked ticked to 7:58 AM. Class was scheduled to begin at 8:00 AM. Two minutes later the clock struck 8:00 AM and Professor Umbridge waddled to the front of the classroom.

"If you were not paying attention earlier, my name is Dolores Umbridge. You may be familiar with my family name as my husband BILL Umbridge is a former Minister of Magic." Umbridge began. Her voice was akin to nails on a chalkboard, to the sound of a hippie anti war music festival, to the sound of a stupid person saying Jimmy Carter was a strong American President, to the sound of an abortion as it occured, just the worst sound possible. Harry grimaced after just one sentence being vomited out of Umbridge's word hole known as her mouth.

"For the remainder of this course you can put your wands away or leave them your dormitories. We will not be needing them! This course under my tutelage shall be theory based only. No wands, only books!" Umbridge said as gasps were heard and the students started chattering. No wands? In a magic class? Absurd! As much as Harry liked books this course sounded as if it would utilize fake books created by the mainstream Ministry not real books Harry had back at his abode.

Harry shot up from his desk.

"That is absurd! Are you at the right school? This is a _MAGIC_ school not some public school that doesn't deserve to have learning materials. We have our _wands_ and you will not take mine unless you pry it from my cold, dead hands." Harry exclaimed vicariously and vigoriously.

"I'm sorry and who are you?" Umbridge asked as her toad like face continued to look ugly.

" _Harry motherfucking Potter._ " Harry said as the students grew quiet, in awe of Harry's masculine presence and confidence.

"Ah Mr. Potter. Your reputation proceeds you. I will have you know that some day wands will be obsolete much like firearms. Because Mr. Potter tolerance is on the rise. If we can all get along and tolerate each other we will not need to resort to violence and magic. There is nothing to be afraid of. There is no threat."

"No threats huh?" Harry said as he got up and walked towards Umbridge in the middle of the aisle of tables.

"I shouldn't say this but I will.. what about Lord fucking Voldemort? He is evil, dangerous and a registered Democrat. And everybody knows it, believe me. " Harry said loudly.

Just the mere mention of the Dark Lord's name instead of calling him He Who Must Not Be Named or You Know Who caused even more gaspses to be exclaimed.

"Lies Mr. Potter. Nothing but lies. 45 points from Gryffindor!" Dolores said as she struck the points from the record. Harry did not like to see his house loose points but it was definitely a rigged system if he was losing points for telling the truth.

"I am not lying! You are just another career politician who is keeping the rigged system tilted in their favor. You are NOT MY Professor. I will not call you Professor. I will call you... Crooked Dolores!" Harry said. Umbridge's face turned red and she was still ugly.

"20 more points from Gryffindor Mr. Potter. I will not be disrespected in MY classroom. The classroom that is entitled to me!" Umbridge said angrily. Harry flipped a desk over in anger to counter her anger.

"Mr. Potter. Detention. My office. Tomorrow. You are dismissed. Good day sir!" Umbridge said.

"Bitch!" Harry yelled leaving the classroom. He stormed up and down the stairs until he finally couldn't take it and left the school to have a smoke. By the time he got back inside class was over for the day. But Harry was still mad.

"FUCK!" Harry yelled as he returned to the dormintary.

"I can't blame you for being mad Harry." Ron said as he saw Harry enter. "But you really got under Umbridge's skin today."

"I KNOW I DID Ron. This is just the beginning, believe me." Harry said. He stormed down the corridor to the entertainment area of the dormitory.

He was already pissed, and saw Hermione sitting on the couch watching a movie, which pissed him off.

"The fuck are you doing?" Harry asked. He was letting out his rage in a proper way, and couldn't be blamed for his firey temper.

"I'm watching Star Wars." Hermione said stupidly. Harry knew she was fucking up watching Star Wars somehow.

"What order?" Harry asked.

"Whatever do you mean?" Hermione said.

Harry slammed his fist down on the table.

"What fucking order you dumbass. Release order? Chronological?"

Harry twirled his hands sarcastically until she could answer.

"Well I was watching them in release order..."

"FOOL! Ignorant BUFFON! The only true order is the MACHETE ORDER. Have you no sense at fucking all?" Harry asked.

"I don't understand.." Hermione said.

"MACHETE ORDER. The RIGHT way to watch Star Wars, or the Journey of the Whills as it was intended to be called before the left got their hands on it. You watch them in this order: 4, 5, 2, 3, 6. Skip the useless ones, 1, and 7." Harry said brilliantly.

"But I quite like the Phantom Menace." Hermione said.

"Next thing you're gonna fucking tell me is you're watching Twilight in here." Ron said, knocking Hermione's films over.

"CLEAN THAT UP." Harry yelled at Hermione who winced from hearing Harry's domineering male yell.

They heard something weird coming from a room upstairs. Harry watched Hermione clean with satisfaction, as he knew she was doing the job a woman should do, before heading upstairs.

Harry and Ron tip towed up to where the noise was coming from. It was coming from where Seamus Finnigan was in the bedroom. Seamus was in his bed kneeled down making weird noises. Very weird. Harry and Ron creapt up on him. They noticed Seamus looked a bit different this year. He looked like he had just finished showering and was wearing a robe and a towel over his head. Usually when one took a shower they were damp post shower but Seamust was not. He also appeared to grow a beard out to ridiculous proportions. There was a book next to him with a cresent moon on it. Harry was not sure what the book was even though Harry had read many books. They noticed Seamus was making the weird noises but he was actually saying something.

"Seamus... what the bloody hell are you doing?" Ron said. Seamus stood up and looked at Harry and Ron with a look of insanity and hatred.

"Durka durka. Mohammed Jihad. You have inturupted my prayer with Allah. Nioshesh shafaresh. You infidels were due to pay this year soon with your blood. Soon I shall be rewarded with my 37 virgins for doing the work of Allah." Seamus said with a strange accent. He began to yell more and make even more wired noises.

Seamus was speaking in a language Harry didn't understand, which was impressive because Harry understood many languages. He could tell one thing though, it was the language of the enemy.

"TERRORIST IN THE DORMS!" Harry bellowed. Seamus unfurled his robe and to Harry's horror saw that Seamus was strapped with several bombs as sand cascaded from his robes. He pulled a trigger wired to his bombs.

"Glory to Allah. Allahu ackbar!" Seamus said as he slowly moved his thumb to the trigger. Before he could press the button and ensure doom for the entire house of Gryffindor a bullet whizzed past Harry and Ron and went straight for Seamus' finger, blowing it clean off.

"Ahhhhh! No my thumb now how will I pray for the destruction of the west!?" Seamus cried as blood gushed from where his thumb used to be. Harry turned around and saw Neville holding up a Barrett M82 sniper rifle.

"Now Harry finish him off!" Neville cried.

Harry pulled his Kel-Tec PF11 pistol out that his good friend and neighbor George gave to him and also Harry always kept it loaded and proceeded to pump the terrorist scum Seamus with lead.

"Some people for live for the moment... You? Your moment's over." Harry said like a true badass.

Ron pulled out his Wilson Combat's Custom Beretta 92/96 and joined Harry in shooting the terrorist into pieces. Neville fired a few more sniper shots as blood shot from Seamus' body. Harry ran towards Seamus and kicked both feet into his chest, sending him flying out to a window behind him. Harry aimed at him for one more shot.

"I'm not gonna open up a can of whoop-ass on you. I'm gonna open up a keg of whoop-ass on you." Harry said as he pulled the trigger and aimed for one of Seamus' bombs. He hit directy like he did with all of his targets and the bombs detonated outside the window, sending bloody chunk's of his carcass in all directions below the school in a bright, firey explosion.

"Is he dead?" Hermione asked, tears streaming down her face from sheer fear of the power that only men can unleash upon one another.

"He won't get any deader now." Harry said as he blew the smoke out of his gun. He had won this battle but he knew the war wasn't over. In addition to illegal Mexican immigrants and Crooked Dolores he now had Islamic terrorists to deal with!


	8. Chapter 8

**HARRY POTTER AND THE SHIELF OF TRUTH**

 **Chapter 8: Detention With Dolores**

Hello and salutations readers. I have been busy with many, many important projects both in prose and out of prose, hence my lack of new chapters. I have been making very big deals, starting on one too many projects and unfortunately this fine work of art has taken a backseat to these new projects but this novella of mine has always been a project that has been very personal to me and near and dear to my heart so now that there is an opening in my busy schedule for the time being I will direct my attention to it for the time being. Many current events have transpired in our world that have reignited my fire for literature and expression of these truths through this literature. To quote a wise man in these troubling times, "Don't believe what you are seeing and reading!"

The sun rose. Harry's eyelids cranked open. His date with Dolores in all day detention was to begin in one hour. It was 6:00 AM in the morning. Harry always woke up at this time. He didn't miss a second. He never woke up at 6:00 and one second or 6:00 AM and thirty seven seconds or 6:01 AM. His body was a well oiled machine and his mind a well maintained clock and he had trained himself to always be awake and alert at this time of the day and ready to conquer the day and dominate whatever obstacle life would throw at him. He quickly ate his breakfast of Wheaties submerged in 1 percent milk with an orange and an additional glass of one percent milk in a fine glass as a supplement to the bone strengthening compounds of calcium in the milk. Harry ate it out of a red bowl that he inherited from his deceased parents and a spoon from a silverware set that was also inherited. This set was special to Harry so he kept it locked up in the Gryffindor dormitory away from the Dursleys who would no doubt pawn it off for pot money or donations to liberal causes without Harry's permission. Harry also had several sausage egg biscuits he had microwaved since he did not have a woman to cook a more complex breakfast consisting of sausage or any meat to give him the protein and testosterone boosting elemnents he needed, at least not yet. Someday he would find a woman who knew her place to cook not only his breakfast but his lunch and dinner and occasional brunch.

Sometimes Harry would prepare himself a breakfast of Frosted Flakes in skim milk along with a glass of 1% milk to give himself a variety of calcium intake along with a ripe orange and hash browns to give him the protein and testosterone building blocks, not that he needed anymore testosterone seeing as he was practically oozing with the chemical. The complexity of Harry's breakfast was no mistake. It was done to throw off any enemies, particularly those of the Democratic party or perhaps some Islamic terrorist looking to poison his breakfast. By choosing different foods and drinks every morning they wouldn't have a clue as to what to poison on the slight chance they breached the Gryffindor dormitory and cracked the code to open the refridgerator, which was set to a pass code that expired every semester to keep the students' food and drinks safe. Some that were foolish may have scoffed at Harry's gallon of skim milk and his seperate gallon of 1% milk but they were just that fools, unsecure fools who were ripe for being poisoned by their enemies.

Harry yearned to get the newest edition of Wheaties cereal, the breakfast of champions of which featured one of Harry's heroes football legend Tom Brady on the cover. Apparently through some source Harry had read on online breakfast cereal forums Brady and other members of the NFL's New England Patriots football club were in line to get their own cereal. A feat that no team or sports dynasty had yet to accomplish. Preliminary reports from the food processing plant creating the cereal suggested the special Patriots cereal would be high and fiber and contain natural ingredients to turn the milk red then blue then back to the normal color of milk, white. Harry a renascience man himself considered himself a breakfast enthusiast. When he was not reading he would go on the internet browsing various cereal discussion groups, praising the healthy cereals and lambasting the overly sugary, overly marshmallow containing abominations no doubt approved by left leaning heads of cereal corporations to fatten up the children and slow them down. When in reality breakfast should be a man's jumpstart into the rest of the day, packed with fiber and protein so that he may conquer the day and posssibly the night too depending on if any lady opened up her door to him for a date and her legs for a night she would never forget.

Harry was notified via letter that he was to serve one full day of detention then resume his normal schedule beginning at 7:00 AM so he only had one hour to prepare. It was more or less in school suspsension except Harry would not be able to serve it from the comfort of his dormitory or with a professor he preferred. Instead he would be forced to endure it under the beady eyed gaze of the the bloated pig that somehow managed to step into the once respectable position of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. He threw the letter in the garbage, not the recyling because recycling was nothing but a scam perpetrated by the globalist elite to garner more profit in what was done with the garbage. They obtained more profit by picking up not just a trash can but a seperate can for recycling. What the left does not like to tell anyone is that recyling just goes back in with the trash anyway to be incinerated. Harry knew better than the left and didn't fall for their scheme, that's why Harry never partook in the lie known as recycling. Harry didn't even allow Gryffindor to have a recyling bin for their garbage because he let the prefects and other Gryffindor students in on the liberal scam of recycling and by doing so Gryffindor was saving bundles on the cost of doing away with all their garbage as compared to the other houses.

Harry threw on his student uniform and marched out of the Gryffindor dormitory to the location of his eventual mental battle with Dolores in the Defense against the Dark Arts classroom. Harry imagined this must've been how privates felt suiting up for battle on D-Day on June 6th, 1944 in Normandy beach or to be a Roman berzerker putting on armor for battle against Carthage. Just to be safe because Harry didn't know what to expect he strapped on his Kel Tec PF11 pistol. He double checked to make sure his concealed carry permit was in his wallet. Harry was not some street thug who got his firearm illegally, he wanted to make sure everyone knew damn well of that. "Stand your ground!" Harry's neighbor George's voice echoed through the corridors of his mind.

Harry finally arrived at the doorway to face the fat sow. He slowly twisted the knob of the door and walked inside. Sitting at her desk no doubt stuck there to to her immense girth was the hideous wench herself, Dolores Umbridge. She greeted Harry with a smile.

"Mr. Potter."

"Dolores." Harry said defiantly.

"Mr. Potter you will call me Professor Umbridge. I am a member of the Hogwarts faculty and you will address me as such." Dolores snarkily replied.

"Fuck that and fuck you, bitch. You rotten dog. You didn't deserve this position. You lazy pig. It was handed to you, out of a bullshit, abitrary reason to inject diversity into the workplace even if it means hiring worthless unqualified pigs like you over white men who actually EARNED the position and put in the hard work to show for it! Your position is turning this school into a laughingstock! It's bad enough we let Muggles in but we're also letting in illegal immigrants and people from the Middle east! In case you didn't know I had to fight off one of their terrorists last night because their twisted beliefs corrupted poor Seamus Finnigan to the point of no return! So yeah, fuck you Crooked Dolores. Fuck you for turning this school into SHIT! FUCKING SHIT!" Harry said doubly defiantly as his last statement. He knocked a nearby desk over to show he was serious and to see if Dolores was smart enough to see the symbolism of his actions. The desk represented the establishment and Harry was flipping it upside down because he was going to change things within the system. There were always multiple reasons for the things Harry did.

Dolores chortled. "Oh Mr. Potter. You violated so many rules of the Hogwarts charter and code of conduct in just one minute , especially damaging school property. I could easily have you expelled for that but that would be too easy. I want to see you... suffer... today. Now...you best simmer down otherwise it will be a long day, yes?" Dolores said as her toad like face grinned even more than it was grinning prior.

Harry silently said nothing like a true stoic hero of virtue.

"Now on with your punishment. I will put a series of phrases on the board and you are to write them down on the parchment I will be providing until I tell you to stop. And then you can leave." Dolores said. She pulled up Microsoft Powerpoint and horror welled up in Harry's eyes. On the screen in front of the classroom were several phrases of what could only be described as untruth and at points pure unadulterated blasphemy.

The list of untruths and Falsehoods as they obviously all were to Harry because they were all factually untrue read:

1) Barack Obama was born in America and was a great American President.

2) Hillary Clinton had nothing to do with the tragedy in Benghazi.

3) Former American President Jimmy Carter was instrumental in ending the Cold War with the Soviet Union and was all in all a really good President.

4) Diveristy is great! Border walls are bad! Let everyone in!

5) Black lives matter. All lives matter is racist!

6) Blue lives do not matter.

7) Hillary Rodham Clinton was hiding nothing in her emails.

8) Universal healthcare is a great idea!

9) Welfare is a great idea!

10) Same sex marriage is totally ok!

11) Roe V. Wade was the best decision the Supreme Court ever had, women deserve control of their bodies.

12) We don't say Merry Christmas, we only say Happy Holidays!

13) The Mainstream Media never makes Fake News, it's all real and true.

14) The world needs stricter gun control laws.

15) Affirmative action is just terrific.

16) Globalism is the best course for the world and humankind.

17) Other countries come first, America last!

18) The Chinese have never ripped off America on trade deals.

19) NAFTA is another good deal, it never hurt America. Canada and Mexico, especially Mexico are not hurting America or sending illegal immigrants into the country.

20) Speaking of illegal immigrants, they bring diversity into other countries. They do not pollute the gene pools or bring in crime and drugs.

21) Hard drugs like marijuana should be legal. People who do them are not worthless, lazy loser addicts.

22) The only Fake News is Fox News. CNN is by far a more truthful network.

23) MSNBC is even better, it should be the only news network.

24) Free speech should not be allowed as it hurts other peoples' feelings.

25) Global warming is not a hoax, it is very real. Go green!

26) Ronald Reagan was a terrible President.

The last point made Harry's eyes well up a little with tears. Even though it was totally false like all of the bullet points on the board it boiled Harry's blood to see his personal hero disrespected at such a high magnitude. Dolores placed the quill and parchment beside Harry. He looked over and could tell it was one of the magic torture quills that would cut the words Harry was writing into his skin. Harry had to think to himself... did he really want to go the rest of his life with the words "Ronald Reagan was a terrible president" and "Black lives matter" tattooed upon his skin? If he did not comply he would be expelled and as much he did not want to write these phrases he did not want to lose the priveledge or what once was a priveledge until all the Muggles, illegal immigrants and Middle easterners were allowed entry into the school tainting what was once pure. Harry was hypothetically in a bunker in a war torn city and enemy troops from both sides were breaching the walls and marching towards him. Their weapons were the false ideals they were spreading that. At this point he would have no choice but to end his life and spare himself the humilation. At least this way in death his ideas and legacy would live on forever with those wise enough to find his words and ideas based in facts and carry on what he looked to create. Harry decided then and there it was better to die a hero by his own hand then to carve words that were wrong and totally false into his flesh. Harry reached for his Kel-Tec PF11 pistol and placed it by his temple. He wished he had the forsight to bring a pill of cyanide but that had slipped his mind. He expected Crooked Dolores to be cruel but not this cruel. Harry would rather die for his ideals than have them haphazardly placed on his body like some thug spraying grafiti on a fine piece of architecture.

Before he could pull the trigger he heard a door creak open. Harry turned around and saw his friend and mentor Albus Dumbledore stood in the doorway, illuminated by the morning light.

"Dolores I am pardoning Harry from your punishments. There are more important happenings occuring today."

"You what?" Dolores said as her pudgy face turned red.

"I need to pull you out of this detention Harry. I just received an email that Hogwarts' Quidditch team has been invited to the Wizard World Classic in Madison Square Garden in New York City."

Harry's day had just flipped. Here he went from being on the brink of suicide and self sacrifice for his ideals to freedom and elation. The Wizard World Classic only invited the best of the best for its' exhibitional game celebrating the strongest and most talented young Quidditch players. It was like the Pro Bowl of the NFL or the NBA All Star game only bigger. Much bigger. And much more important. Very important.

"Albus. This is unprecedented. You cannot pardon a student when I have power over who I can and cannot punish." Dolores angrily protested.

"But I do. Did you not read the Code of Conduct for Professors? Headmaster has absolute control over punishments for students. And you were wrong to punish Harry in the first place. I believe in Free Speech here at Hogwarts and you will not squander his right to Free Speech!" Albus yelled. Harry had never heard Dumbledore get this angry in his time at Hogwarts.

Umbridge looked lost. And scared and of course as a woman she got emotional and started sobbing.

"Ok...P-p-p-professor Dumbledore. I am sorry. Go to your Quidditch game now. I won't bother you. I promise!" ,she stammered.

"You go get ready Harry. The train to New York leaves in an hour. I will stay here a bit longer and make sure Umbridge deletes this...this obscenity!" Dumbledore scowled pointing at the Powerpoint display of falsehoods and untruths.

Umbridge looked at Dumbledore sobbing more.

"You heard me you fool! Drag the file to the trash immediately." Dumbledore said as he hunched over Umbridge's PC to make sure she deleted the cursed file once and for all. Once the deed was done Dumbledore left and proceeded to his office. Umbridge meanwhile was seething.

"Oh Harry Potter. You will get your punishment yet! You... you...you deplorable!" Dolores said angrily to herself and she began scheming to get revenge on Harry for her just humilation that just occurred.

Harry, bag in hand with his Quidditch supplies boarded the Quidditch Express. The Hogwarts' Express' sister train set that was used sporadically for out of school Quidditch games such as the one Harry was about to attend. It was primarily used for the Varsity Quidditch games at the end of the Quidditch season. Instead of the maroon color of the regular Hogwarts Express this train was purple and did not travel on train track. It travel only on the ground. Harry boarded and sat wit his teammates, Ron, Neville and Fred and George. Fred and George were beaming ear to ear.

"Ok you pranksters. What did you come up with now?" Harry said as he sat down. George produced a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. Instead of the multi-colored beans inside all of the beans were white.

"So over the summer we found a way to create our own Bertie Botts' Every Flavor Beans." George started.

"We experimented with many flavors but we found one that will prove most useful in America. We made a whole box of zolpidem flavored beans, commonly known as ambien." Fred finished grinning even more.

"So when we hit the bars after the game, those American broads better be watching their drinks or they won't know what hit them!" George added.

"Oh you two! Haha!" Harry said as Fred and George were up to their usual shenanigans. They were already planning for some wild nights and they hadn't even arrived in America yet!

"I hear American women are hotter than women here anyway." Ron said, trying not to get too carried away.

"Well yes Ron, only because Hermione isn't here." Harry said as Ron, Neville, Fred and George laughed at his joke which was heavily rooted in truth.

"She really is an ugly bitch." Ron said after he stopped laughing.

Soon the train sounded its' whistle and set its' course for America. Instead of being confined to track the train began to pick up speed and launched itself into the air heading to New York City. While the team could've easily flown this train was designed to throw off potential terrorists or those looking to compromise national security. A plane would be too obvious to hijack. However an airbound train would be much trickier to locate let alone hijack.

Soon the team would arrive and play the exhibitional game against the American quidditch team as part of the Wizard World Classic. All in the name of sportsmanship and celebration for the great sport of Quidditch. Only two teams from two schools were chosen for this honorable game and Harry was still in a state of shock that he and his team were chosen this year. But at the same time he wasn't surpised. Thanks to his exceptional skill at the Seeker position Hogwarts broke records upon records in terms of points scored and games won, all after Harry joined as a first year which was unheard of in the world of Qudditch. The word prodigy is thrown around a lot and most given the title do not live up to its' meaning which is a person, especially a young one, endowed with exceptional qualities or abilities, an impressive or outstanding example of a particular quality and an amazing or unusual thing, especially one out of the ordinary course of nature but Harry lived up and exceeded the definition. He sometimes thought if he was the closest thing Quidditch had to quarterback Tom Brady of the National Football Leage in terms of straight skill.

After an uneventful night of sleepy, the team soon filed out and headed to the arena after leaving their luggage at a nearby luxury hotel. It was time to compete and time to honor the sport of Qudditch itself. Harry never ever got nervous when he had to compete especially in event with so much pressure and so many eyes watching him. In addition to the hundreds of thousands of fans in the Garden, the event was being broadcast worldwide on Pay Per View. Only those of magical blood had access to order it, Muggles and any other ethnic group could not find it through their provider or if they attempted to they were denied. In addition to the spectators many other famous athletes both from Qudditch and out of Quidditch, celebrities and politicans were also going to be watching. There was even a rumor that the sitting President of the United States of America was watching and possibly in attendance at a private skybox. None of this shook Harry one bit. That's why he was the absolute BEST at Quidditch.

The time had finally come and Hogwarts' Quidditch team trotted onto the field for the game to much fanfare and cheers from the crowd. As visitors they were allowed to come out first to respect and admiration. Next the American Quidditch team representing Ilvermorny took to the field. After the cheering settled down the announcer asked that all rise for the National Anthem of the United States of America. Harry and the rest of the team stood, hands on their hearts as the American national anthem was sung by a guest singer, country music legend Toby Keith.

Oh, say can you see by the dawn s early light What so proudly we hailed at the twilight s last gleaming?  
Whose broad stripes and bright stars thru the perilous fight,  
O er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?  
And the rocket s red glare, the bombs bursting in air,  
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.  
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave O er the land of the free and the home of the brave?  
On the shore, dimly seen through the mists of the deep,  
Where the foe s haughty host in dread silence reposes,  
What is that which the breeze, o er the towering steep,  
As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?  
Now it catches the gleam of the morning s first beam,  
In full glory reflected now shines in the stream:  
Tis the star-spangled banner! Oh long may it wave O er the land of the free and the home of the brave!  
And where is that band who so vauntingly swore That the havoc of war and the battle s confusion,  
A home and a country should leave us no more!  
Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps pollution.  
No refuge could save the hireling and slave From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave:  
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave O er the land of the free and the home of the brave!  
Oh! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand Between their loved home and the war s desolation!  
Blest with victory and peace, may the heav n rescued land Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.  
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,  
And this be our motto: In God is our trust. And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave O er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

It was a beautiful rendition of the song. But as Keith finished singing then Harry noticed a horrifying sight. The African American members of the Ilvermorny team were not standing. In fact they were KNEELING. Harry crossed the field, blood boiling and his white skin turning red.

"What is the menaing of this?" Harry screamed at them. "The national anthem of the United States of America is being sung, you stand up right now. I will ask Mr. Toby Keith to sing it again because I will not play if this country and her troops are not properly respected in this fine sport."

"Hell naw." one player retorted.

"WHAT?!" Harry yelled. He went around the kneeling players and tried to stand them up on his own but they were too strong and athletic. Harry was strong and athletic too but he meant to save his vast amounts of energy for the game not picking up unruly, overpaid atheletes to do their civic duty and stand for the national anthem!

"We ain't doin none uh-dat sheeit homie." Another player said.

"Fosho." a third replied.

"WHAT?! WELL WHY NOT?! GIVE ME ONE GOOD GODDAMN REANSON BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL CAN'T THINK OF ANY! YOU OVERPAID ASSHOLES! YOU MAKE ALL THIS MONEY TO PLAY THIS GAME AND YOU CAN'T RESPECT THE GAME ENOUGH TO BRING YOUR MISGUIDED POLITICS ON THE FIELD!? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! AND YOU! AND YOU! AND YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU! AND YOU TOO! ALL OF YOU! STAND UP RIGHT NOW GODDAMN YOU! STAND UP FOR THIS GREAT NATION! AND HER ANTHEM! WHY?! WHY WON'T YOU STAND?" Harry screamed passionately at the top of his lungs, tears of passion and glory streaming down his face, getting in the face of every smug, uppity Ilvermorny Quidditch athlete. It was only the African American contigent of the team, the white players were standing no problem for the anthem and they looked just as confused as the Hogwarts team, being represented only by Gryffindor players in this instance.

"They won't stand because I told them to Harry." A voice said. Harry turned around to see a hooded figure, his face obscured by a dark robe. On the front of the robe he wore a football jersey of the San Francisco 49ers football team with a number #7 emblazened on the front.

"No...it's you...it's...", Harry stammered, utterly bewildered. It was...disgraced former 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick! Harry instantly recognized him as he pulled his hood down.

"I guess the jig is up. I am a not only corrupting the minds of bright athletes in the NFL. I'm also a Death Eater Harry. I was mad I wasn't good enough to make it in the NFL so I began my studies of the dark arts. I still had some time left in the NFL while my studies commenced I had to find a way to stand out in the NFL and corrupt minds. When I realized I could hurt and divide the nation through refusing to stand for that silly little patriotic song. And this is the moment we make an impact. You see I have these Ilvermorny players under a spell I CREATED with the help of the Dark Lord. Lord Voldemort." Kaepernick explained his evil exposition with an grin filled with malice and the intent to do no good.

"The best part is we can hide behind this display saying we're exercising our free speech to protest police brutality when in reality we can accomplish every item on our REAL AGENDA!" Kaepernick said as he laughed maniacally.

"All I have to say about police brutality Colin...is that you have to break a few eggs to make an omlette. The eggs being criminals and the omelette being peace and liberty. I'm not sorry if you don't like it!" Harry said. He really didn't care if Kaepernick didn't like it. And it vexed Harry to explain to to Kaepernick who was not only slow on the field but apparently slow mentally as well.

"I could care less what you think Potter. But the Dark Lord may not agree." Kaepernick retorted.

"I know who the dark lord is, I'm not afraid of him! And I sure as shit am no afraid of you too! You are a mediocre quarterback at best!" Harry exclaimed with an abundance of defiance. "AND YOU WILL RESPECT THE FLAG AND THE NATIONAL ANTHEM! IT'S ONE OF THE GREATEST SONGS EVER CREATED!" Harry screamed with his finger pointed at Kaepernick.

"You're going to be afraid of me and what I can do when I get every player of every sport under the spell I created we will unsettle the balance of power in the United States, all while killing the essence of the United States. Look at the flags as we kneel Harry, do they look any different to you?" Kaepernick said perniciously. Harry's gaze quickly shot over to a flag. What he saw mortified him. The blue was more pale now than what it had been before the players started kneeling and the red stripes were bleeding down the white stripes like an open wound. It was not just a visual effect. The Americans in the audience were fighting amongst themselves. Harry knew in their hearts their innumerable love of their nation was being corrupted by this devious distraction.

"No..." Harry said softly.

"The life force of Patriotism and the country is being seeped by this spell right before your eyes and there ain't a goddamn thing you can do about it. Besides it doesn't matter if these players agree with me or not, they love the spotlight and attention!" Kaepernick said beeming with the most vicious meanest evil.

"Oh yes there is." another voice said behind Harry. Harry turned around and he couldn't believe what he was seeing. It was his football hero Tom Brady but he was dressed in wizard garb but it was different. His shirt had the emblem and colors of the New England Patriots.

"What the hell are you doing here Brady? Here to deflate some more footballs?" Kaepernick sneered.

"No. That was fake news and you know it. And it didn't matter because we still defeated the Indianapolis Colts in the AFC championship game with the alleged deflated balls and won the Super Bowl a week later!" Brady retorted with true facts and real knowledge of the events. Kaerpnick frowned angrily because he knew Tom Brady was right. He won five Super Bowls after all, Kaepernick couldn't even win one!

"I guess in that case. I'll have to deflate you! Aveda Kedarva!" Kaepernick said as he cast the killing curse from his 49ers brand wand that he stole from the team.

"No!" Harry screamed.

"Expelliarmus!" Tom Brady and Harry said as the same time. And with the disarming spell one burst of energy deflected the killing curse and sent it hurling towards the kneeling players, killing some of them instantly and the other burst split Kaepernick's wand in two. He shot across the field and fell into the ground leaving a giant crater. As soon as the defensive spell was cast an army of police officers stormed the field and began arresting the Ilvermorny players who were kneeling for questioning. Harry saw it was a joint arrest by the NYC police officers and Azkaban special ops who looked like regular police officers but had wands in addition to their firearms. The other team was left alone because they did not disrespect the nation or had ties to the Death Eaters.

"Thanks for saving my life Harry." Tom Brady said.

"I am just honored you know my name, sir. " Harry said respectfully.

"Of course, every member of the Pats knows the Boy Who Lived. In a way we are a lot alike, Harry Potter. No on expected us to succeed. More importantly, no one WANTED US TO SUCCEED. I was lightly regarded prospect coming out of college, I was drafted 199th in the sixth round. The sixth round, Harry! But you know what I accomplished, the rest is history. I did great things and I am regarded as the greatest of all time. And someday you will too." Brady said, beeming. Harry was also beeming.

"I don't even know what to say, except thank you sir." Harry said.

"Please, you can call me Tom." Tom Brady said as he slapped Harry's shoulder as a sign of camradery.

"Tom.. what are you doing here anyway?" Harry asked. He was a big perplexed as to why Tom Brady of all people was at a Qudditch game.

"Harry I too was a Quidditch player when I was in college. I was of a high skill set as you. In addition to playing football I practice wizardry on the side. But I had to choose between quidditch or football and I chose football and well you know. THe rest is history." Tom Brady said. "Anyway I better get out of here, I have games to win." Brady started to leave.

"Hey Tom..." Harry said as Brady began heading in the tunnel exiting the stadium.

"Yeah?" Brady said as he turned around.

"Win Super bowl number six not just for The Patriots or me or you. Win it for America! Win it for REAL NEWS! Win it for all of us! America first!" Harry said.

"Harry I GUARANTEE a Super Bowl win this winter. I will use my magic to make it happen if I have to. " Brady said with a wink as he departed. Harry just smiled. He had come face to face with a living legend.

As it turned out the Wizard World Classic had been postponed to a future date to the meddling of Kaepernick and the entire Ilvermorny team being either arrested or killed in the crossfire so unfortunately Harry and the Hogwarts team had to head back to school and return to NYC whenever the game would be rescheduled which could be any time given the large amount of events that occur in New York City. Harry headed into the locker room. He walked by the giant crater Kaepernick fell in and looked inside. Expecting to see the charred remains of Colin Kaepernick Harry saw nothing. Blast! His body was either taken by authorities or he escaped. Either way the bastard would be dealt with later. Harry turned the door to the locker room and walked in to hear the chatter of his friends, teammates and classmates engaging in some conversation.

"Hey Harry, can you believe those Ilvermorny guys? Monkey see monkey do I guess." Ron said.

"Be that as it may be true Ron, I believe that when it comes to crime and justice you have to get rid of bad apples." Harry said.

"Or bad watermelons!" Fred said to a shower of laughs.

To cool off before taking a shower in water instead of laughter, Harry loaded up his Amazon Prime Insant Video account and put on a few episodes of Tom Clancy's Jack Ryan. He considered reading a chapter of American Sniper but he was too excited to read anything at the moment. While John Krasinski was far from the figure of masculinity he pictured for the titular character, it was close enough. Seeing Jack Ryan fight for freedom agaisnt evil terrorists made him feel better, and a little hard. Getting the primal urge Harry decided to talk the opposite sex with his brothers in Quidditch.

"Hey you guys, marry, fuck, kill. Cho Chang, Luna Lovegood, Hermione Granger. " Harry said to begin a semi erotic conversation.

"Kill Hermione for sure." Ron said.

"Ah Luna Lovegood. I forgot all about her." Fred said.

"She used to be great. She's still very beautiful." George said.

"I moved on her, actually. You know, she was down on Palm Beach at my vacation spot. I moved on her, and I failed. I ll admit it." Harry said and he rarely admitted failure because he rarely failed. His rate of failure was a staggering 0.00123% on the Jimmy Carter Scale of Failure, which was a scientific quation of every attempt to achieve something in life divided into every successful attempt or failure. Harry always jotted down every attempt at something he wanted and besides 0.00123% of the time he always got what or whom he wanted by any means necessary at the end of the day as one of his many bedtime rituals.

"Whoa." Ron said.

"I did try and fuck her. She was married. Or that's what she told me." Harry remarked.

"That's huge news." Fred said.

"No, no. No, this was ah...I can't remember and I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping. She wanted to get some furniture. I said, 'I'll show you where they have some nice furniture.' I took her out furniture I moved on her like a bitch. But I couldn t get there. And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she s now got the big phony tits and everything. She's totally changed her look." Harry said reminiscing on what could've been another bag.

"Sheesh, your girl's hot as shit. In the purple. That could be your girl Harry" Ron said as he peered out an opening in the locker room to view a female member of the Quidditch clean up team cleaning up on the field and she was very easy on the eyes.

"Whoa! Whoa!" Harry said as he joined Ron in watching.

"Yes! The Boy Who Lived has scored. Whoa, my man! Might as well start calling you The Boy Who Scored!" Ron exclaimed.

"Look at you, you are a pussy." Harry said beaming. "All right, you and I will walk out. Maybe it s a different one."

"It better not be the publicist. No, it's, it s her, it s " Ron said trying to remember.

"Yeah, that's her. With the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know, I'm automatically attracted to beautiful I just start kissing them. It's like a magnet. Just kiss. I don't even wait. And when you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything." Harry explained, shedding a little light on his tactics with the opposite sex.

"Whatever you want."

"Grab 'em by the pussy. You can do anything." Harry responded.

"Uh, yeah, those legs, all I can see is the legs." Ron said dreaming and watching the clean up.

All while this playful locker room talk was going on little did Harry and his friends know Umbridge had snuck into the locker room disguised as a janitor which she did not have to do much to change her appearance since she was already very, VERY dirty looking. She really looked like a dirty man. Before the conversation had started, Umbridge ILLEGALLY was recording what they were saying hoping to find some dirt on Harry because at the moment Dolores had nothing. Nothing at all she could use so she was getting desperate. In her desperation she had hoped to record something out of context and twist to create her own fake news to use against Harry. And she had just bagged her white whale even though she was the one who resembled the whale. Unfortunately some misguided students were buying into the fake teaching known as feminism. Harry's comments about the female anatomy could be used to Dolores' advantage.

"Ahahahahahaha!" She cackled as she left the school and headed back to Hogwarts. Ready to play the tape ad nauesem for the school to hear to move forward her despicable agenda.


End file.
